This month we have been featuring stories of people
in our church, just like you and me, who have faced difficult situations and
how their relationship with God helped them find the blessings along the way.
Their stories aren’t easy but they were able to trust God along the way and
give their fears over to him.
This week’s post features Darren and Ali Phillips, a
family that had to adjust to the challenges of being a blended family:
Q:
For those who may not know, can you briefly share what your family went
through?
We are a blended family. Nearly six years ago I met my now husband,
Darren of almost 3 years. Neither one of
us were looking to start a relationship at the time. He was focusing on his new life adjusting to
being a single dad due to divorce. I was
settling in to my recent move back to Indiana.
We were both invited to the same birthday party (both of us almost did
not go). It was there that we met. By the end of the night I had learned his story. That was the beginning of our life
together. Two years later we were
married.
Q: What were some of your greatest fears at the
time?
Our greatest fears at the time were the
children. It was very important to both
of us for me to not meet them, until we were both serious enough to see
marriage in our future. That being said
I met the children seven months later.
We continued to fear how the children would adjust to what would soon be
their new life. It certainly had its ups
and downs.
Q:
What were your biggest prayers?
My personal biggest prayer over time was
forgiveness. Darren and I had a
difficult time forgiving the kiddos' mother, for leaving. By the time I was introduced he had forgiven her. I have a VERY difficult time forgiving others
who have hurt my family. You can hurt me
all you want, but when it comes to my family it's a whole different
animal. I could see the hurt that she
had caused in the children by choosing to leave the marriage, and I couldn't
fix it. I felt so blessed to be a part
of this new family, but yet so angry that they were hurting.
Over time I heard several sermons on
forgiveness. I knew God was talking to
me, but quite frankly I didn't want to forgive her. Over time God kept on talking to me through
multiple sermons on forgiveness. He was
working on me, I reluctantly started to ask God to help me forgive. Gradually the prayers became easier. After several months I began to forgive her
and now I am happy to say that God has completely placed full forgiveness for
the kiddos' mom in my heart.
Q: They say hindsight is 20/20 - looking back
where do you see that God was working during this difficult time?
God was definitely working to bring our family
closer together to be able to work together as a unit. All parents must communicate and work
together on a regular basis to raise children, even if they do not live in the
same home. We communicate nearly daily
(via group text messaging) so that we are all aware of what's going on with the
children and we are all on the same page.
Children naturally try to play parents against each
other. When the parents live in
different homes it's even easier to do, unless the parents communicate more
than the children. We of course give our
kids the benefit of the doubt and believe them.
However, if we are curious about what's going on in something they are
telling us that happened at the other house we mention it to the other
household parent(s) and ask if everything was understood correctly. This has been so helpful in raising the
kids. They sometimes wonder how we know
things.
Q: If
there is something you could say to anyone going through a similar situation,
what would you want them to know?
Pray, forgive, communicate, & repeat. With these tools it will get better. It won't always be easy as parenting never
is, but it will certainly be very helpful.
I am now happy to say that the relationship between all of us parents
has grown by leaps and bounds. Our
priorities are the children. We all want
what's best for them. We no longer see
the other home as the "other team" we are all on the same team. As a step-parent, it can be very
difficult. I believe that it is also
difficult as a biological parent, but it is different for us
"steppers". It's sometimes
hard to talk about it with people who aren't going through similar situations. Always
go to God and remember, we may think we know what message we need to hear, but
He may be giving us a different message.
Forgiving, especially when it’s hard, is a great way
to cultivate a heart of thanksgiving. Every time I don’t want to forgive, I
think about how God has forgiven me of so many sins in the past. When I reflect
on that I can’t help but feel thankful for the grace that I have been given.
And when I realize the importance of that it becomes easier for me to forgive
others.
Psalm 28:7: The Lord is my strength and shield. I
trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I
burst out in songs of thanksgiving. (NLT)
Keeping your focus on God helps you learn to let go
of bitterness and unforgiveness. Be sure to take time to hold on to your joy.
When the hard times beat down on us, Satan often uses those moments to steal
our joy. Don’t let him have that satisfaction!
I have learned that I can find joy in any
circumstance if I have the right focus. Keep your eyes on God and do not become
overwhelmed by things that are out of your control. Trust that God is always
with you in every situation.
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