Managing Blessings - The DeShongs

by Devin Dummel

“That’s not fair!” was one of the phrases I often repeated as a child.  It was stated in regards to chores, which toys I was able to play, and when it was time to turn off the television and head to bed.

If I said it once I probably said it a thousand times.  Each time I would claim that life wasn’t fair.  My mother reminded me quickly and unequivocally that “Life is not fair.”  As a child I hated her response to my complaints, but as an adult I am thankful for my mother being consistent in revealing how the world often works.

Many times life is just not fair.  And the “not fair” parts of life don’t discriminate.  It doesn’t matter who you are, where you come from, or how much potential you have.  Far too often things that are beyond our control can strike and raise havoc in our lives.  The only question is how will you respond when tragedy strikes?  How will you react when life is not fair?

In today’s post, Lucas DeShong – a father of two, a dedicated husband, and loving son – shares with us what it was like for him as he and his family dealt with unexpected tragedy.

Q:  For those who  may not know, can you briefly share what your family went through.

In July of 2016 my mother was diagnosed with glioblastoma, an acute form of brain cancer. The surgeon removed about 80% of it but informed us she only had 6 months to a year with treatment. My father and mother prayerfully considered radiation and chemotherapy but ultimately decided against it.

Over the next few months the cancer progressed rapidly. In a very short time she lost usage of her left hand followed by much of the left side of her body. Shortly after she could no longer walk or even stand on her own. She relied on my father, aunt and sisters for even normal day to day functions. On November 29, 2016 my mother passed away at the age of 58. 

Q:  What were some of your greatest fears at the time?

My initial fear was that I would lose my mother and that she wouldn't be there to watch my 2 kids grow up. I quickly came to terms with that fear becoming a reality. I don't recall any other fears, only sadness and anger. 

Q:  What were your biggest prayers?

Prayers of healing. For my Mom, then for my family and me. I had not experienced a loss this personal before nor had much of my immediate family. After she passed, I had to learn how to mourn and grieve. I also learned that others don't grieve the same way I do and that there is no wrong way to do it.

I prayed that my anger didn't extend to others because they did not grieve the same way as me. I also prayed on many occasions that my sisters would be able to grieve in their own way free from ridicule or judgement. Now I pray that we carry on my mother's legacy in a way that she would be proud. 

Q:  They say hindsight is 20/20 – looking back where do you see that God was working during this difficult time?

I personally felt God's presence throughout the entire 4 month battle. Even through the sadness there was comfort. Each time I thought "this is too hard" there would be a new way to cope or a new person to talk to that would get me through the valley.

We saw God in the many people who were there to support us through messages, gifts and prayer. We even saw God "in the framework". To explain in brevity, my Dad built our house when I was just a boy. After the door opening had been framed and headers had been set he realized all the doors were the wrong width. This seemed to be a costly and labor intensive mistake at the time that shook my father's pride as a well-respected carpenter. 25 years later, as my mother's wheelchair narrowly slid through the wider than planned doorway, we felt God smiling down on us. He was looking out for us then just as he looks out for us now. 

Q:  If there was something you could say to anyone going through a similar situation, what would you want them to know?

3 things I would want them to know:

1. Even if you can't see it now, God is right there with you. He loves you. He never leaves you. 

2. Find someone to talk to who is at least slightly disconnected from the situation. I spoke with a professional who helped me identify and understand the grieving process and it helped me immensely. 

3. There is no right or wrong way to mourn or to grieve. Grieve in your own way and let others grieve in theirs. Do not judge them for not grieving the same way or for the same amount of time as you. 

Isn’t it amazing how years decades earlier, God had already been providing for the DeShong family.  The image of the “imperfect doorway” is a powerful one for those of us who believe in a God who is so much larger than tragedy.

It is true that like can be so unfair.  But we are not in it alone.  We have a God who has experienced what we experience, and who knows what it’s like to be where we have been.

Hebrews 4:15 says, “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet he did not sin.”

Lucas reminds us that when life is unfair it’s okay to be angry.  It’s appropriate to grieve, and to do so in the best way for you.  But remember you have a God who empathizes with you.  He cares for you and even will soften the blow – reminding you of His presence in the most difficult of times, so that even when we are in the throes of tragedy we are still managing blessings.