Parenting Fears: Fear of Rejection

by Devin Dummel

Once a week I give my five-year-old a pop quiz.  The test consists of one simple question.  And each week I anxiously await his response.  So far his answer has been the same every time I’ve asked, but I know one day that won’t be the case.

What question do I ask him?  I ask him who his best friend is.  And up to this day his consistent and steady answer has been, “You’re my best friend, Dad!”.

It’s as precious as it sounds – I promise.  His response fills my heart with joy each time I hear it.  While I don’t usually make it a habit to make best friends with five-year-olds, this one has a special place in my heart.  I dream of being best friends forever.

It’s a dream I know won’t come true.

Over the past decade and a half, I’ve worked with enough teenagers to know that there is a natural period in the life a child where the last name on the “best friend list” is mom or dad.  For some teens the mere suggestion of being friends with their parents during this stage of life could be shuttering.

But as parents, if we are honest with ourselves, one of our greatest desires is that the fruit of pouring into the lives of our children would be to establish and maintain a close and meaningful relationship for our lifetime.  No parent says to themselves, “I hope when they get older we grow apart and hardly speak to each other.”

We all want to remain close to our children, that’s pretty normal.  But there is an unhealthy expression to this desire, and that is the fear of rejection.  It’s easy to fall into this fear especially as our children get older and become more and more independent.  As they begin to make decisions for themselves while we try to help them navigate becoming an adult, it can be very easy to focus more on being your child’s friend than being their parent.

The fear of rejection fuels this desire to make sure our children like us rather than trust and respect us.  This fear is something most parents experience at one time or another, but as we have been learning fear is just a feeling it’s not reality.  Our children will have plenty of friends, but God has chosen us as their parents.  It’s our responsibility to focus not on keeping them as friends but on training them and showing them how God has called them to live.

Proverbs 22:6 says,

“Train a child in the way he should go; and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

Our job and calling are to set our children up for a lifetime of success.  They best way we can do that is to show them and model God’s way for living.  When we are able to do that and resist the temptation to be the “cool parents” and instead stand firm pointing them to truth and godliness – they will discover God’s way and that will serve them for a lifetime.

I think it’s okay to see how long your child will view you as their best friend, but one day you will be replaced by Kegan or Kellie or some other child that you are sure can’t measure up to your ‘awesomeness’. 

There may be seasons where you are not their best friend, but their will never be a time in their life where you are not their parent.  As your children grow older, don’t worry if they like you or want to hang out with you.  Don’t worry that they will reject you or replace you. 

Your role as their parent can never be replaced - it is exponentially more important than any other role you can play in their lives.  They will always need you to be their mom or to be their dad.  You will always have a special place in their hearts.

Just as they always have a special place in ours.