by Leah Dummel
I have a really special and unique
group of about 9 girlfriends. Some of us have been friends since 3rd
grade and some of us met in college. Some of us are married with children, some
of us have doctorate degrees; some of us are single. One lives in Louisiana,
one in Kentucky, and the rest scattered around Indy, all at least a 45 minute
drive from the next.
We are all very different yet we talk almost every single
day. All 9 of us!
We use this fun app called Marco Polo which if you haven’t
heard of it is basically like group Facetime, except it isn’t live. We can
leave video messages for the group when it’s convenient for us and catch up on
the other messages also at our convenience. It’s awesome, and it has truly
helped us all stay in contact.
Something we noticed about our group of friends a year or
so ago is that we all apologize for the SILLIEST THINGS! It’s not uncommon for
somebody to start their video message with, “hey girls, SORRY it’s been a long
time since I’ve been on here” or “SORRY, this message is going to be a long one
I have a lot to say” or “SORRY but this is my opinion on this matter”.
We started to ask ourselves why we apologized so much for
the strangest things. We were apologizing for not responding to other messages
within minutes…because you know…kids and jobs and marriage adult life. We were
apologizing for our thoughts and opinions, and for taking the time to share and
discuss them with our nearest and dearest. What?!
Once we recognized this problem and spoke it out loud we
quickly made a new rule, NO SORRIES! We are no longer allowed to apologize for
things that don’t warrant apologies like the weather or time frames or raising
our kids or doing well at our jobs or thinking Kate on the show This Is Us is the most annoying
character on there. It’s no longer allowed and we quickly call one another out
for silly apologies.
Once we brought this up in our group message I started to
pay closer attention to people around me, and noticed that EVERYBODY IS
APOLOGIZING for things that don’t warrant apologies; and parents are the
absolute worst.
We apologize for what we do or don’t feed our kids. We
apologize for the way we choose to discipline. We apologize for our thoughts on
public school vs home-school. We apologize for the amount of screen time, the
number of activities we involve them in, we apologize if we throw a giant
birthday party for our toddler or if we throw a tiny birthday party for our
toddler, we apologize for dishes being in the sink or toys being on the floor
of our living rooms, and the list goes on and on and on.
As I observed and as I contemplated our behavior, it
dawned on me that we apologize up front because if we “bring it up first” then
we may save ourselves from being judged by the person we are apologizing too.
The longer I am a parent the more I realize that we
(parents) spend a lot of our time and energy in fear that other parents, or
non-parents, are judging every move we make. Not only that, we spend time and
energy comparing the décor of our home or the level of “home cooked” our meals
are and how well (or unwell) dressed our kids are to that of our neighbor or
social media friends. Friends, this is exhausting, and detrimental to our
mental health and our parenting!
Scripture tells us,
“When they measure themselves by themselves
and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise.” 2 Corinthians
10:12b
It is UNWISE and unsafe to play this comparison game.
Comparing ourselves to other parents will steal every ounce of joy that
parenting brings. It’s completely counterproductive and living in our fears
will destroy us.
As we
have been saying all month - fear is just a feeling, it’s not
reality. And it comes straight from Satan himself. Fear (Satan) wants to isolate you. Fear wants
us to feel alone. Fear tells us we will never measure up to others and that no
matter our efforts we will always fall short. Fear tells us we are bad parents.
Fear is a feeling and fear LIES.
Now don’t get me wrong, feelings
aren’t bad and we all feel fear, especially fear of judgement and not measuring
up. And it’s okay to feel those things, but it’s not okay to live there. One of
my personal biggest parenting downfalls is not living in my feelings. I react
to a situation and I live there, in the negative, in the lonely, in the fear, in the danger zone. It’s an ongoing battle
for me and probably a lot of other parents too if we were all honest.
1 Peter 5:9 says, “Stand firm against him [the devil], and be
strong in your faith. Remember that your family of believers all over the world
is going through the same kind of suffering you are.” (NLT)
Fear convinces us that we are
alone, that we are the only ones fighting the battle or feeling the feelings,
which I believe is why we automatically feel judged by other parents. When in
reality, I guarantee the parents we feel “judged” by or afraid of, are going
through the exact struggle you are.
So what would it look like if we
viewed other parents not as “better than us” and instead viewed them as
teammates and support systems and equals and other adults who just might need
as much encouragement as we do. I think parenting would look a lot less lonely,
a lot less stressful, a lot more authentic, and a lot more like Jesus.
So parents, try not to live in
fear. It’s okay to feel fear; it’s not okay to live there! Otherwise, we
are a self-fulfilling prophecy of depression and anxiety and the comparison
game. Try not to live in a world of worry, where you are afraid of being
judged, but rather believe that others are just as much of a mess as you are,
even if their mess looks different than yours.
Be an encourager and BE ENCOURAGED. And if you just need to observe a parent who is a little more of a mess than you, to help you feel better, come on over to my house! The zoo is always open for viewing ;)
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