Growing up with three brothers meant being the
scapegoat; I took the blame a lot because being the only girl meant less of a
punishment for me. But the time I got into the most trouble ever didn’t involve
my brothers, I was alone in this one. I took twelve dollars off the counter.
Before I knew it mom was looking for the money and even asked if I knew what
happened to it. I lied and then that afternoon spent the money. I don’t
remember what on, now looking back on the event I hope it was worth it.
The next day, my mom pulled me aside and asked where
I got the money to buy said item. I lied and told her I found the money. And
the words that came out of my mom’s mouth next broke my heart. She said
something along the lines of her being disappointed in me and that I broke the
trust she had and that it would take a while to rebuild it. I believe I was
then sent to my room to think about what I had done and for her and dad to
discuss my punishment. I can remember my parents arguing over what should
happen. My dad making a list of things I could do to pay back the twelve
dollars, while my mom could sense that her words were punishment enough. I
believe the punishment ended up being a mix of the two, a grounding for a
couple of weeks and extra chores around the house.
Two things stand out to me about this series of
events. The first being the words of my mom and the second being my parents
fighting over me.
If I were to sum up this whole story with one word
it would be conflict. I was conflicted between telling the truth or lying about
the money. My mom was conflicted on how to handle the situation (and later she
told me she felt really bad about what she had communicated with me when she
figured out I had lied). My parents were conflicted on the punishment to be
given to their daughter who knew better yet still did something unacceptable.
Where has conflict come up in your family? Is there
conflict between your kids, because sometimes siblings just don’t get along? Is
there conflict in your parenting, because you and your spouse just can’t see
eye to eye on how to handle tough situations? Is there conflict in your
marriage?
There will be times when you were caught up in the
moment and you didn’t communicate what you really meant. There will be times
when you say things just to win the argument. There will be times when you are
right, yet you stay silent. Parenting and marriage is hard work. Conflict is
going to happen and how you handle it is going to make all the difference.
Ephesians 4:26 says “In your anger do not sin”: Do
not let the sun go down while you are still angry.
And Proverbs 15:1 says A gentle answer turns away
wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
The Bible says a lot about conflict, but I believe
these two verses sum up how God wants us to deal with conflict.
1. It is okay to be angry, upset, disappointed,
whatever you are feeling. Ephesians is saying, it is important to not let those
feelings dictate what happens next.
2. Deal with conflict when it happens. It is not good
to sit on it for weeks. When you do this you are missing valuable conversations
that could happen in the moment.
3. Proverbs is saying the way we respond to conflict
matters. Instead of pointing fingers and blaming, point out the bigger picture
in a humble, loving way.
As adults we are modeling conflict resolution to our
kids when they see how we deal with conflict. If they only thing our kids see
when conflict arises is yelling and hurt feelings, they in turn will do the
same. So the next time your spouse or
your kids do something against your expectations take a breath and handle the
situation in a loving and calm manner.
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