WHAT REALLY MATTERS?

Teaching Kids to Weigh Their Choices

By Laura Wise

Everyone makes hundreds, sometimes
thousands, of choices each day. That
sounds ridiculous, but it is true. And we
all know we should teach our kids to
make wise decisions, so when we
teach them to stop and think about
opportunity cost, they begin to
understand that it is ok to choose. More
importantly, they begin to see choices
as opportunities instead of missing out
or failures.

By teaching them to look at
opportunity cost in a more positive light
we give them permission to do what is
best for them as Christians using the
Bible, through prayer, and taking time to
ask other Christians to help guide them. Learning about opportunity cost also helps alleviate
pressures from peers, media, and other outside sources.

The great thing is you can start right now!  What better time of the year to reflect on what really matters than the Christmas Season as we reflect on all that Jesus did for us and begin to evaluate what we can do in the new year.

One might think that kids could easily understand that every choice we make is important.
Especially when people tweet, message, text, or share EVERYTHING these days. Well, parenting is
never that easy, they still need you to guide them. They still need you to talk them through the
importance of weighing the pros and cons of each decision.

One simple way to start is to remind them that we are living in a time when one mistake can drastically change any plans or dreams we have.  Don’t share this to scare them but share this as a guide or filter for them to use when making decisions and weighing their options then follow up with a reminder that we will all fail and that we shouldn’t be afraid to fail, but we will have to accept any consequences (good and bad). This is also a great time to talk about God’s love and forgiveness.

Where Do We Begin

By Devin Dummel

Back in the day, I thought I was pretty slick.  I think most Jr. High School kids feel that way.    I felt the feeling the strongest as I peered through the blinds watching my parents leave for church.  This wasn’t a one-time thing.  I did it often.  A fake cough here; a “Mom I don’t feel so good” there.  The real secret was heating up a washcloth and putting it on my forehead for a few minutes and sure enough, as fast as my mother’s hand left my head, they bought it.  As I would watch my parents pull out of our driveway in my father’s old Crown Victoria, a sense of jubilation would wash over me.

I would fire up the Sega Genesis and play video games for a couple hours until they got home.  When I heard the garage door I tossed the controller, hopped quickly in bed, pulled the covers up and pretended to be asleep.  At that age I was sure they fell for it every time, now I’m not so sure.

When I was that age I would do anything I could to get out of going to church.  Most kids go through a phase like that.  And as parents, we often feel pretty ill-equipped to help our children grow in their faith.  It might be because no one ever helped us at that age, or it could be because we struggle to lead ourselves at times.  Whatever the reason, most if not all parents feel this way at one time or another.  Perhaps the most difficult part of trying to raise our children to grow in their faith, is trying to figure out where to start?

Proverbs 22:6 says,   “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

God seems to indicate that there is a direct connection between how we teach our children during these first phases of their lives and the ultimate trajectory of their lives.  That’s huge when you think about it.  Not to put more pressure on you, but what you do now matters.  How you lead and teach your children about God now has the ability to impact them for a lifetime.

While that may seem overwhelming and intimidating it doesn’t have to be, because there is some great news:  You are not alone.

You may be responsible for your child, but you don’t have to do it all by yourself.  There is no question that you are the greatest influence in your child’s life.  But you aren’t the only influence.  God has designed the church to be a support for you and a partner in helping your family grow more and more in their faith.

So, if we want to make sure our children grow in their faith and start down a path toward God that they will never depart from, where does it start?  It starts with the church.  It starts with going to church.  It starts with making a commitment that being a part of the church matters.  It starts with making it a priority.

If we want to raise our children to find and follow Jesus then it begins with making the decision as a family that nothing else matters more.  Sleeping in isn’t more important.  Sports aren’t more important.  Regular weekend trips to the lake all summer are not more important.  What matters most is consistently showing up and showing our kids what it looks to make God our number one priority.

Get Ready

by Devin Dummel

After the reality had set in that my wife and I were going to become parents for the first time we put in some serious time trying to get ready.  We read books.  We asked questions.  We took notes and prepared everything so that we would be ready.  But the more people I talked to the more I heard, “You’re never fully ready to be a parent”.  

It seemed odd that this phrase would keep popping up over and over again.  I was confident that we were ahead of the curve and would be fully prepared once our baby made his debut.  At the time I shrugged off the idea and believed that it didn’t apply to us, but there may not have been a more true statement shared with us about parenting.  You are never fully ready.

If your experience has been anything like mine, then you know what it’s like to experience some parenting moments where you feel like you’re flying blind.  Sure you’ve read some books and heard your friends tell some stories, but it’s different when it’s you and your kind going through a difficult situation or phase.  We often feel less than equipped to navigate the realities and practicalities of parenting.

While it may be true that you’re never fully ready, the great news is that when it comes to parenting God hasn’t left us on an island.  After reading plenty of books on the topic, I have found that more times than not I already had the best resource for being a great parent.  God’s word – the Bible – is a wealthy source of knowledge not just on parenting but on what it looks like to live your best life.

Paul writing to his friend Timothy said this, “All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. (2 Timothy 3:16-17)

In my experience, I have found these words to be so true.  Through God’s inspired words in scripture, I have had new life breathed into me at every season of my life, and throughout every phase of parenting.   While I could google the latest statistics or strategies about how to raise my child, the best course of action, more often than not, is to turn to scripture to help it train me and my family in what it looks like to live a life that honors God.

My guess is, you probably don’t always feel ready or prepared for the situations that come your way.  But God promises that we will experience training in righteousness – that is training in “right living” and that we will be ready for the good work – the kingdom work – that God puts in front of us.  And I can think of no greater kingdom work for your life than raising your children to find and follow Jesus.

When parenting gets hard many of us will turn to any number of solutions, but the best solution is to turn our hearts and minds to God’s word found in the scriptures.  When we regularly root ourselves in scripture we receive the best kind of training for raising the next generation.  

Checking the Scoreboard

by Devin Dummel

This past weekend my son, who is six-years-old played in his second basketball game.  As you might imagine it was a mess, not only for my son but for every child on his team who has no clue what they are doing.  Being “good parents” (whatever that means) his mother and I kept giving him instructions, trying to help him throughout the game.

We were watching every movement.  “Get that rebound”, “Pass it” and “Quit messing with your socks” were phrases that we shouted over and over during the game.  Our advice seemed to be of little use to him.  As he played I kept watching him and something else began to stand out.  As the game progressed my son kept checking the scoreboard.  Over and over again he would turn around and stare at the digital scoreboard almost as if his very life depended on it.

When he realized how bad things were getting – how badly they were getting beaten; he dropped his head and started to pout.  After the game was over I asked him why he was so upset and he told me that every time he looked at the scoreboard they were losing.

As a parent, I wanted to use that moment to teach him that the scoreboard isn't the only thing that matters, but I was confronted by the reality that often I measure my value and my worth and allow my feelings to be swayed by the scoreboard of life.

My guess is that if you are at all like my wife and I you regularly question if you are doing a good job as a parent.  Maybe you've never said it out loud, but I think the fear of failing as a parent is something we all share.

We all wonder if we are doing what it takes to help them succeed.  We keep our kids involved in everything.  Trying to make sure they have every opportunity to achieve educationally, athletically and socially.  Often at the end of the day, we are tired and exhausted and left wondering if it's all worth it.  Are we really helping them and giving them the best life there is to offer? We are constantly looking at the scoreboard, trying not to be discouraged.

What if while watching the scoreboard we were missing the more important things in life?  What if while we were checking the score we missed out on the best way to parent?  Jesus said, "What good is it for someone to gain the whole world and yet lose their soul" (Matthew 16:26).   What if in trying to give our kids everything we actually lost the only thing that really matters?

There are a lot of important things in life but the most important thing is a saving relationship with Jesus.  When it’s all said and done – that’s the thing that matters the most.  You may or may not be able to afford everything you ever wanted to give your children.  But what you can do is help them discover a relationship with Jesus.

You don't have to be a perfect parent.  You don't have to always check the scoreboard.  You and I need to realize that when we demonstrate how to have a relationship with Jesus, that's the best thing, we could do as parents.  When we live out our faith – openly and honestly with our children – it will never matter what the parenting scoreboard says – we will have won because our children will have seen what it looks like to seek after God with all of our heart, soul, and strength.   There is nothing more valuable and worth your time than to model what it looks like to pursue a relationship with Christ.

Raising kids that WIN at life

by Laura Wise

We’ve all witnessed a child throwing a tantrum—screaming, crying uncontrollably, or even being violent, all because she didn’t get to do what she wanted. These situations can be extremely difficult to handle and often embarrassing for parents. But what do you do when it’s your child that is completely out of control? 

Discovering that your little angel has suddenly grown horns and is no longer as innocent as you thought can be one of the most frustrating moments in parenting, especially if you are caught off guard or when you have no idea what to do.

Most parents understand, that what you do in those difficult situations is crucial to helping your child be successful in life, but many parents do not know where to begin. In fact, most parents don’t think about the necessity of teaching their children self-control until they are face to face with their own child’s wild behavior.

Self-control isn’t just a character trait that some kids have and some kids don’t. We all learn self-control. Which is why self-control is often referred to as a discipline. We have to practice self-control in order to become more in control of ourselves. 

Dictionary.com defines self-control as the control or restraint of oneself and one’s actions/feelings. From a Christian perspective, we can define self-control as saying “no” to ungodliness or worldly passions. The Bible tells everyone to be self-controlled, and when we choose to have the Holy Spirit live within us to guide us, God helps us to maintain self-control. Self-control is one of the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), and the fruit of the Spirit are indicators for us to see if we are living Godly lives.

I believe that when we teach our kids self-control we are setting them up to win, and giving them one of the greatest keys to becoming successful in all areas of life. Psychologists and Sociologists have directly linked children with better self-control to things like making better grades in school, thriving socially and making friends easily, managing their time well, being respectful to authority figures and peers, being hard workers, and settings goals to improve or achieve something they desire. Every parent wants their kids to succeed and live fulfilling lives, and when we teach them the Bible principles about self-control we are setting them up for HUGE wins as they mature and transition into adults.

Most parents are already teaching their children self-control because you are teaching them to take care of themselves or work toward goals— like saving money to buy something they want or studying to earn better grades, or even practicing the sport they love to improve their skills. You also teach self-control when you make them eat their vegetables before dessert. However, in order to teach your kids a more complete Biblical definition of self-control, you must first get your kids to understand their own weaknesses and temptations.

Each one of us is different. Some of us are tempted by overeating, greed, gossip, lying, stealing, while others are angered easily and lash out before thinking. Help your children understand that by being aware of what tempts us, we can take our struggles to God. One of the best ways to start is by sharing some things you struggle with. After they understand what their weaknesses and temptations are you can work together to come up with an action plan to handle the temptations and weaknesses when your child is faced with those things because our desires tempt us every day. And know that they trust you because you are their parents, and what you teach them matters. Even if you don’t see immediate results, we are charged to raise them to understand what is right trusting that God will work everything out for His glory.

Parenting is Messy

by Devin Dummel

In my opinion, it's an understatement to say that parenting is messy business.  From the moment you become a mother or father, it seems life in one way or another is about cleaning up after the bundle of joy you've brought into the world.

During the early phase, it's lots of changing diapers, washing hands, and never-ending laundry.  But just because they get older and more self-reliant doesn't mean the mess goes away; it just changes.  In the elementary years, you discover the messes are less physical and more emotional.  You begin to clean up after hurt feelings and heartache.  You wipe away tears desperately wanting to fix it all.  

As they move into adolescence and the hormone levels are off the charts you move to a strategy of trying to prevent the messes before the ever occur; because in this phase the messes become much harder to clean up.  You want to know who they are hanging out with, who they have a crush on, and you want to make sure they understand the consequences of what happens when you make poor decisions on a Friday night.

No matter the phase, parenting isn’t easy.  You love your child with everything you have, and one of the most tangible ways you show it is by cleaning up and trying to prevent all types of messes.  There’s nothing wrong with parenting this way, but what if there was a better way?  What if instead of always reacting the messes we were able to be proactive in / through / and after “the mess”?

When we spend our lives worried about the messes, we often forget that the goal of parenting isn’t to raise perfect kids.  The goal is to help our children become adults who will discover and live the best life that God has from them. 

It’s a mistake to create a culture in our homes communicating that life is about being perfect or about not making mistakes.  When we focus on the mess we often create an environment that preaches perfection instead of one that teaches our children how to live faithfully in and through the difficult times in life.

The Apostle Paul reminds us of the larger goal at hand in parenting:  “Parents, do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4)

The reality is no one can be perfect.  Your kids can't be perfect.  "Kids make a lot of mistakes that they aren't capable of cleaning up.  So when they do we should avoid negative responses and reaction of anger.  Instead, we need to create an environment where mistakes are okay."

When we begin with the end in mind, knowing that parenting isn’t about creating perfect kids, but instead find ways to teach and instruct them to follow God through the messiness of life, that’s how we know it’s all be worth it.

When we love our children well we don’t just clean up all the messes, we help them learn to navigate the messiness of life and follow God through it all.

Rules or Relationship

by Devin Dummel

In my fifteen years of working with students and their families, I can't tell you how many times I've seen it.  The conversation is always familiar as I have the parents of a teenage student sitting across from me.  The catalyst for the conversation is usually some newly discovered information.  Their child who is a "good kid" has been deceiving them, and they have learned about some unwanted to choices or behaviors that have gone well beyond the rules they've put in place.

It’s always a tough conversation.  But it’s a necessary one.  It’s the conversation that has the potential to be a game changer not just for the student who has been breaking all the rules but for the parents who suddenly feel vulnerable in their relationship.

Over the years, I've wondered why this happens so often.  In our parenting structures and styles, what have we missed (outside of believing our teenagers are angels) that allows us to find ourselves in these situations so often? After giving it much thought, I don't know if the solution is hard to find although it may take quite a bit of energy to correct.

I have come to the conclusion that we can easily misdirect our children when we are more focused on setting up boundaries and rules than living life with them in a relationship.

At first glance, you might wonder – “What does that mean?” 

Let me unpack it for you.

In Matthew 22, we find an account of Jesus being asked a question by one of the religious leaders of His day – a Pharisee.  This was the question: “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Now before you read Jesus’ response you must understand something about the Pharisees and the way they viewed all of the laws and commandments – and there were hundreds of them.  These guys were the religious elite and everyone looked to them for their opinion on the right way to live.  What this particular group did was they elevated the value of the laws in their lives.  They made rules the most important thing as they made their decisions.

This choice led to an interesting practice that some scholars refer to as “fencing the law”.  The meaning was the Pharisees would create new rules – more conservative rules – to ensure that you never got close to breaking one of God’s laws or rules.  For example, God’s people are told not to use His name in vain; so the Pharisees promoted a belief that you could never say God’s name at all in fear that you might somehow say it in vain.  The idea would be if you never broke the boundaries of the new rules (the fence) then there was no way you could ever break the actual command of God.

This seems like a good strategic move from the outside, but think for a moment if you told your child not to do something, what’s the first thing they want to do?   That’s right as soon as the words leave your mouth that’s the only thing they want to do.

The Pharisees forgot an important component to life.  They neglected the truth that life isn’t all about the rules but most of life is actually about relationships.

The question is, where did this strategy get them?  Were they actually better people because they had more and more rules?  Later on, in this same encounter, Jesus would describe the Pharisees in very stark terms.

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites!  You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean.  In the same way, on the outside, you appear to people as righteous but on the inside, you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness." (Matthew 23:27)

You see the rules only dealt with the outside of the person, but relationships are what impact the inside.  With all of their focus on the rules, the Pharisees may have looked clean on the outside to the rest of the world, but God could see what was going on underneath the surface.  He could see what was happening on the inside.

And we face this same challenge for ourselves and to help raise our children.  You and I are called to be different than the world.  While that includes obeying God and keeping His commands – if we only worry about the rules we will always miss the relationship.

That’s why when Jesus was asked, “What is the greatest commandment?”  he responded the way He did:

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul and with all your mind’ This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it:  ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’  All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Jesus’ point was that love is all about relationships.

There is nothing wrong with boundaries and rules.  They are very helpful in pointing us toward the best life that God has for us.  But if we really want to be the best people and the best parents then it can't just be about the rules.

We become the best parents when we guide our children through relationship and love instead of simply leveraging rules and laws.

When we live in relationships we can help our children see why playing by God’s rules always leads us towards Him and towards the best life we could possibly have.