March Madness: Conflict

by Desi Ash

Growing up with three brothers meant being the scapegoat; I took the blame a lot because being the only girl meant less of a punishment for me. But the time I got into the most trouble ever didn’t involve my brothers, I was alone in this one. I took twelve dollars off the counter. Before I knew it mom was looking for the money and even asked if I knew what happened to it. I lied and then that afternoon spent the money. I don’t remember what on, now looking back on the event I hope it was worth it.

The next day, my mom pulled me aside and asked where I got the money to buy said item. I lied and told her I found the money. And the words that came out of my mom’s mouth next broke my heart. She said something along the lines of her being disappointed in me and that I broke the trust she had and that it would take a while to rebuild it. I believe I was then sent to my room to think about what I had done and for her and dad to discuss my punishment. I can remember my parents arguing over what should happen. My dad making a list of things I could do to pay back the twelve dollars, while my mom could sense that her words were punishment enough. I believe the punishment ended up being a mix of the two, a grounding for a couple of weeks and extra chores around the house.

Two things stand out to me about this series of events. The first being the words of my mom and the second being my parents fighting over me.

If I were to sum up this whole story with one word it would be conflict. I was conflicted between telling the truth or lying about the money. My mom was conflicted on how to handle the situation (and later she told me she felt really bad about what she had communicated with me when she figured out I had lied). My parents were conflicted on the punishment to be given to their daughter who knew better yet still did something unacceptable.

Where has conflict come up in your family? Is there conflict between your kids, because sometimes siblings just don’t get along? Is there conflict in your parenting, because you and your spouse just can’t see eye to eye on how to handle tough situations? Is there conflict in your marriage?

There will be times when you were caught up in the moment and you didn’t communicate what you really meant. There will be times when you say things just to win the argument. There will be times when you are right, yet you stay silent. Parenting and marriage is hard work. Conflict is going to happen and how you handle it is going to make all the difference.

Ephesians 4:26 says “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.

And Proverbs 15:1 says A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

The Bible says a lot about conflict, but I believe these two verses sum up how God wants us to deal with conflict.

1.  It is okay to be angry, upset, disappointed, whatever you are feeling. Ephesians is saying, it is important to not let those feelings dictate what happens next.

2.  Deal with conflict when it happens. It is not good to sit on it for weeks. When you do this you are missing valuable conversations that could happen in the moment.

3.  Proverbs is saying the way we respond to conflict matters. Instead of pointing fingers and blaming, point out the bigger picture in a humble, loving way.

As adults we are modeling conflict resolution to our kids when they see how we deal with conflict. If they only thing our kids see when conflict arises is yelling and hurt feelings, they in turn will do the same.  So the next time your spouse or your kids do something against your expectations take a breath and handle the situation in a loving and calm manner.

March Madness: Responsibility

By Whitney Jones

I think almost all parents would say that one of the traits they would like their child to have now and when they become an adult is “to be responsible.” This is a broad term that can mean many different things. It can mean, being dependable so people know they can count on you or being a contributing member of your family. 

It can mean, being accountable for your own behavior and doing something to the best of your ability. Being responsible is a key to children’s success both now and when they grow up. So how can you as a parent make your child more responsible?

Give your child “meaningful to them” tasks. Allow them to make dinner for the family once a week so they feel they have done something important for the whole family. Or allow them to take responsibility for the family pet. As a parent you might have to give up some control in order for your child to be able to take full responsibility for that task. However, allowing a child to “do it their way” will encourage a feeling of pride and foster a sense of responsibility.

Children with high self-esteem tend to be more responsible. One way that parents can instill a high self-esteem in their child is by providing messages that build their self-esteem. Children feel a sense of worth, when they feel appreciated and loved for who they are. So tell your children daily that you love them unconditionally for who God has created them to be.

Children feel capable to do tasks when they have a sense of power and control over their lives. When children feel capable, they are more likely to try their hardest and feel good about what they do. You can increase your child’s sense of responsibility by helping them to feel that they are capable by telling them, “Thank you so much for taking out the trash. That helped me out a lot this evening.”

Lastly, parents need to lead by example and share truth from the Bible with their children. Colossians 3:23-24 says, “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.”

We should show our kids and teach our kids to do everything as if we are doing it for the Lord. Whether it’s taking the dog out or making dinner for the family, we should do these tasks without complaining and treat it as an act of service to God. 

March Madness - Patience

by Devin Dummel

I was once in a Bible College class where the professor adamantly stated, “I know the Bible says to pray for patience, but that’s one thing I refuse to do.  Why would anyone pray for God to give them something to be patient about?”  When I heard his logic, naturally I laughed, but I also thought it was kind of genius.  Who in their right mind would ask God to give them situations and scenarios that would stretch them thin and wear them out?  While you would have the benefit of becoming a more patient person, wouldn’t you rather ask God for exactly what you wanted?

For those of us who are parents, you know that when you dreamed of starting your family, or when you imagined meeting the baby that you saw on a sonogram image, you did not picture the amount of patience that would go along with taking care of this tiny human.  There are many skills that make up being a successful parent, and patience is likely one of the most crucial.

From waiting for them to finish the bed time routine, to the ungodly amount of time it takes to clean up their toys, our children seem to know exactly how to drag simple tasks out and test our patience daily.  My personal favorite is when my child has asked the same question multiple times.  Over and over again I answer calmly and patiently, noting that I’ve already answered this question.  But it doesn’t matter, the questions never end.  And eventually I lose my cool.

Questions like, “Are we there yet?” and “How does that work?” not to forget about the all-important and ever ambiguous “why?” – are all questions that can easily try our patience, to get us to the end of our rope, and make us what to lose our minds.  So let’s take a moment for ourselves and ask the all-important and ever ambiguous “why?”  Why does raising kids test our patience?  What’s the point of them seeing us constantly at our breaking point?  Dear, God in heaven, what are you trying to teach me or show them through the process of being patient?

James, who was Jesus’ half-brother wrote these words to encourage believers who were struggling with patience:

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

While we might not want to pray for patience it an important part of God’s maturing process.  As God’s children, and for our children, we must embrace this profound truth.  When things don’t go our way, when we are pushed to the edge, we must have patience and preserver.   We can’t give into the temptation to explode, or to compromise on who God has called us to be.

It’s through this process (notice the patience is a process and is not satisfied instantly) that God matures us, completes us and makes us more like Him.  When we become people of patience, it is one more way that we show the world a piece of God’s character.

So the next time your child is pushing their limits and you are feeling like you are going to blow your lid – choose to show them God instead of your frustration.  Choose to help them see what it looks like to be mature and complete instead of satisfying something for instant relief.  God is testing your patience so that you can demonstrate the process of perseverance to the next generation.  They are looking at us to show them the way, so let’s so them what it looks like to be mature, not lacking anything.

March Madness - Consistency

by Desi Ash

March Madness. For basketball fans it means filling out your bracket and watching lots of games. For non-basketball fans it could mean being annoyed with trying to keep track of who’s cheering for who or trying to engage in conversations you could care less about. For us, the next gen team, we are using the month of March to talk about things that drive parents crazy; the things that frustrate, irritate, and push buttons, and how you can use those things to leverage opportunities with your kids.

This week we are talking about consistency.

Consistency in my life as a kid meant my parents following through with my speech development. As I learned to speak my parents had to be consistent with correcting me and helping me with my speech homework. Without the consistency I would take steps backwards and we all would be very frustrated as I tried to communicate correctly. Working on correct pronunciation was annoying and infuriating and there weren’t times I wanted to take a break. Learning to talk was a year round process from the age of three through fifth grade. My speech teachers were able to tell when the work at home was consistent and when it wasn’t.

Now in working with preteens I am quickly reminded how important consistency is. When the schedule changes and throws preteens for a loop it causes them anxiety and causes me stress because they are continually asking what’s next. When the day is consistent they know what to expect next and what I expect from them during that time.

How have you seen consistency throughout your parenting? Maybe it’s the bedtime routine that has way too many steps and drives you crazy. Or maybe it’s the same after school argument of getting your kids to do their homework instead of playing video games. Maybe it’s being consistent with the potty training process and handling accidents as teaching opportunities instead of with disappointment.

Being consistent isn’t easy. It can be trying, make you short tempered, and seem pointless. Not only do you need to be consistent with what you do, you and your spouse also need to be consistent.

I remember as a kid knowing which things to ask mom if I wanted permission for and which things to ask dad for permission. If it was sports related it was a dad question. Anything else went to mom. Luckily for me, the inconsistency of my parents let me do things the other wouldn’t have agreed on. Was it wrong for me to take advantage of the situation? Possibly, but as a kid I was just leveraging the situation.

You can let these things drag you down or you can look at the big picture. Two verses come to mind when I think about being consistent and the battle that comes along with it.

Galatians 6:9-10 The Message

So let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.

Matthew 5:33-37 The Message

 “And don’t say anything you don’t mean. This counsel is embedded deep in our traditions. You only make things worse when you lay down a smoke screen of pious talk, saying, ‘I’ll pray for you,’ and never doing it, or saying, ‘God be with you,’ and not meaning it. You don’t make your words true by embellishing them with religious lace. In making your speech sound more religious, it becomes less true. Just say ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong."

Paul says it so well when he uses the phrase: don’t allow yourself to get fatigued. Being consistent is hard work, but that hard work is worth it. Each time you say homework before video games you are building consistency. Each time you go through the 52 steps in the bedtime routine that only needs three you are showing your kids they matter. Being consistent shows them that your word matters and that you are going to follow through with what you say. At the end of the day, being consistent helps kid become better adults.

So next time you are exhausted and want to give in, don’t. Stick it out, be consistent, and remember the big picture. In the long run being consistent is worth it.