Be Present: How Showing Up Can Make a Difference

Recently my wife and I had a discussion about being present.  We often find our busy lives taking control of us rather than us taking control of them. 

We move from one event to the next, one e-mail to the next, one obligation to the next – and so on.  My guess is if you are anything like us then you know this little dance all too well.

 

The conversation we had stemmed from an incident that happened the other night.  In this story I was the perpetrator, meaning I was the one who was not fully present.  I was sitting bath-side, ensuring that my son wouldn’t find a way to drown himself in five inches of water.  He was playing, dreaming, and imagining a world that existed in the bathtub.  So while he was day dreaming I was more than willing to let my mind wander as well.

As usual my phone was nearby so I hopped on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram to catch up with the rest of the people in my life who are as busy as we are.  I’m not sure how long I was lost in the social media realm but I was startled when my wife walked in front of me to hand my son a toy.  It apparently was a toy he had been asking for repeatedly – but I wasn’t fully present to realize it.  So while I had passed my lifeguard test with flying colors as my son successfully made it out alive from another bath time adventure; I failed at being there as his dad.

It was truly a heartbreaking thing for me.  It made me wonder what other moments I had missed.  It made me want to change some things to ensure that I was fully present for my son.

“Wherever you are, be all there.” – Jim Elliot

Here are three ways that I want to intentionally be present for my kids.

1.       Show Up Regularly.

It’s important that my kids know that I will be there.  I have a job that I pour myself into and it often has random hours.  I have late meetings on different nights every week.  It’s hard for my schedule to be regular, it often is random.  But it’s important that children know you will be there.  It’s important that they build that trust with you as a parent.  They need to know that you will show up regularly. 

One of the “regular” things I do with my son is bed-time.  I’ll be honest – bed-time is not my favorite time.  It’s a whole song and dance, and if you mess up one part of the process then you are back at square one.  I think mom does a much better job at bed-time then dad does.  But bed-time is an important time for us.  It’s a regular place where my son knows I will be.  It’s very rare that I miss bed time. 

Another way that I show up regularly, even with a crazy schedule is I have certain things that I regularly say to my son.  These are special things between us, things like:  “You are my favorite first born son” and “You are my amazing boy”.  These are regular ideas that I want to impress on him.  I want to tell him every day “I love you”, “I’m proud of you” and “You are amazing”.  Sometimes when my schedule won’t let me show up regularly – I have to find other ways to do it.

 

2.       Show Up Mentally. 

Being mentally engaged with your children can sometimes be one of the hardest things you can do.  You have issues at work to think about.  You have issues in your marriage that are putting stress on you.  You may have friends and family who are leaning on your during tough times.  All of these things serve as distractions for engaging mentally with your children. 

I am so guilty of being in the same room with my family – but allowing my mind to be miles away.  Sometimes we just need a box to put all of our worries and cares away in, so that we can engage with our kids.  At our stage in life I find that getting down on my hands and knees helps me engage with my children. 

If your children are older they may give you the impression that they don’t want you to engage with them or connect with their life.  If you have teenagers they are probably giving you every signal in the book – warning you to “stay out” of their life. 

Here’s a secret I’ve learned after working with teenagers for over a decade:  when they communicate that they do not want you involved in their life; that they don't want you to engage with them – they are lying. 

Teenagers may not even realize it but they do want you involved.  They do want you engaged.  They are just “too cool” to admit it.  So don’t go over the top and push your way in but find ways to engage your child right where they are. 

I promise you if you choose to set your “stuff” aside and reach out to connect with your child mentally and regularly you won’t regret the relationship you start developing.

3.       Show Up Randomly.

Nothing says “I love you” to a child like showing up randomly.  Do something unexpected for your child this week.  Leave them a message, a gift, or something thoughtful.

Find something your kid loves to do, learn about, experience it and do it with them.  Set your lists and responsibilities aside for a few moments and surprise them.

It will make their day and the experience will pour energy back into you.

 

 

 

I’m not sure about you, but at the end of the day I don’t want my children to remember me with a cell phone in my hand.  I don’t want to wish that we had done more things together.  I don’t want them to wonder what life was like for their parents.  I want to share our stories; I want to experience all of life with them.  I want to teach them and mentor them.  I want them to know that if and when they ever need anything they will always have me in their corner.

I want them to know that I will always be present.