It's Okay to be Human

In over a decade of working with students and with parents I’ve noticed a common thread with well-adjusted kids. The theme seems to be this:

Kids with parents who are open and honest about their own shortcomings are better adjusted, and parents who want to be seen as perfect have kids that often aren't.
 
Many of my friends who’ve confessed to me they’ve had problems in life come from families in which parents have a hard time admitting they’re wrong.

Often they come from religious families in which the parents felt they had to be a model of perfection.

Imagine having a mom or a dad who is willing to say something like, “You know, you get your temper from me. It’s one of the terrible things I’ve handed you. I’m so sorry about that. Here’s how I’ve learned to handle it. Let me know if you need help. I love you so much I would hate for you to have to feel any pain on account of me.”

A fully transparent parent they have absolutely no problem admitting their faults. And this gives children a sense of comfort because they realize it’s okay to be human.

In fact, they can really connect with their parents because they’re vulnerable and honest and open.

On the other hand, there are many kids who wander through the world lost. I’ve noticed that many of these children have parents who are constantly spinning the truth to make themselves look good.

If anything negative happens in their families, they blame it on some other factor. They never admit their mistakes. They are constantly trying to “set an example” by hiding their true humanity, by acting like they never make a mistake.

Kids who grow up in homes like this don’t feel permission to be human or flawed and don’t trust God has forgiven them.

If we want families that are less ordinary and more healthy, lets teach our kids, by example, that it’s okay to be human. When they’re old enough, let’s begin to confess our sins to our children, even letting them know how sorry we are that our humanity has hurt them in some way.

Kids who have parents who confess their sins grow up believing in grace, in honesty, in transparency and are much more likely to connect deeply with others rather than hide.  Let’s teach our kids how to be transparent, open and human by being transparent, open and human ourselves.

Be Present: How Showing Up Can Make a Difference

Recently my wife and I had a discussion about being present.  We often find our busy lives taking control of us rather than us taking control of them. 

We move from one event to the next, one e-mail to the next, one obligation to the next – and so on.  My guess is if you are anything like us then you know this little dance all too well.

 

The conversation we had stemmed from an incident that happened the other night.  In this story I was the perpetrator, meaning I was the one who was not fully present.  I was sitting bath-side, ensuring that my son wouldn’t find a way to drown himself in five inches of water.  He was playing, dreaming, and imagining a world that existed in the bathtub.  So while he was day dreaming I was more than willing to let my mind wander as well.

As usual my phone was nearby so I hopped on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram to catch up with the rest of the people in my life who are as busy as we are.  I’m not sure how long I was lost in the social media realm but I was startled when my wife walked in front of me to hand my son a toy.  It apparently was a toy he had been asking for repeatedly – but I wasn’t fully present to realize it.  So while I had passed my lifeguard test with flying colors as my son successfully made it out alive from another bath time adventure; I failed at being there as his dad.

It was truly a heartbreaking thing for me.  It made me wonder what other moments I had missed.  It made me want to change some things to ensure that I was fully present for my son.

“Wherever you are, be all there.” – Jim Elliot

Here are three ways that I want to intentionally be present for my kids.

1.       Show Up Regularly.

It’s important that my kids know that I will be there.  I have a job that I pour myself into and it often has random hours.  I have late meetings on different nights every week.  It’s hard for my schedule to be regular, it often is random.  But it’s important that children know you will be there.  It’s important that they build that trust with you as a parent.  They need to know that you will show up regularly. 

One of the “regular” things I do with my son is bed-time.  I’ll be honest – bed-time is not my favorite time.  It’s a whole song and dance, and if you mess up one part of the process then you are back at square one.  I think mom does a much better job at bed-time then dad does.  But bed-time is an important time for us.  It’s a regular place where my son knows I will be.  It’s very rare that I miss bed time. 

Another way that I show up regularly, even with a crazy schedule is I have certain things that I regularly say to my son.  These are special things between us, things like:  “You are my favorite first born son” and “You are my amazing boy”.  These are regular ideas that I want to impress on him.  I want to tell him every day “I love you”, “I’m proud of you” and “You are amazing”.  Sometimes when my schedule won’t let me show up regularly – I have to find other ways to do it.

 

2.       Show Up Mentally. 

Being mentally engaged with your children can sometimes be one of the hardest things you can do.  You have issues at work to think about.  You have issues in your marriage that are putting stress on you.  You may have friends and family who are leaning on your during tough times.  All of these things serve as distractions for engaging mentally with your children. 

I am so guilty of being in the same room with my family – but allowing my mind to be miles away.  Sometimes we just need a box to put all of our worries and cares away in, so that we can engage with our kids.  At our stage in life I find that getting down on my hands and knees helps me engage with my children. 

If your children are older they may give you the impression that they don’t want you to engage with them or connect with their life.  If you have teenagers they are probably giving you every signal in the book – warning you to “stay out” of their life. 

Here’s a secret I’ve learned after working with teenagers for over a decade:  when they communicate that they do not want you involved in their life; that they don't want you to engage with them – they are lying. 

Teenagers may not even realize it but they do want you involved.  They do want you engaged.  They are just “too cool” to admit it.  So don’t go over the top and push your way in but find ways to engage your child right where they are. 

I promise you if you choose to set your “stuff” aside and reach out to connect with your child mentally and regularly you won’t regret the relationship you start developing.

3.       Show Up Randomly.

Nothing says “I love you” to a child like showing up randomly.  Do something unexpected for your child this week.  Leave them a message, a gift, or something thoughtful.

Find something your kid loves to do, learn about, experience it and do it with them.  Set your lists and responsibilities aside for a few moments and surprise them.

It will make their day and the experience will pour energy back into you.

 

 

 

I’m not sure about you, but at the end of the day I don’t want my children to remember me with a cell phone in my hand.  I don’t want to wish that we had done more things together.  I don’t want them to wonder what life was like for their parents.  I want to share our stories; I want to experience all of life with them.  I want to teach them and mentor them.  I want them to know that if and when they ever need anything they will always have me in their corner.

I want them to know that I will always be present.

 

 

 

 

Beautiful Feet: Sharing the Good News

“As a parent you are the strongest and most consistent influence in your child’s life.” 

 

The impact the church can make in the life of your child is inconsequential compared to the impact that you make – just by living out your faith daily.

If you want your child to be a person of prayer, you must first be a person of prayer.  If you want your child to give generously, then you must give generously.  You can drop them off at church and youth group every week, they can hear all the right things about how God wants them to live, but if you are modeling something else at home, then what they see and experience most is what will shape them the most.

This past week our High School students spent some time looking at and thinking about how we can be better at sharing the “Good News” about Jesus.   We realized that in our culture of “social media” we get more excited to share with the world our latest meal than we are about sharing about what Jesus did.

Romans 10:15 says,

“How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news.”

So as a parent, how beautiful are your feet?  Are you modeling sharing your faith on a regular basis?  Maybe you are sharing your faith in the workplace, but are your children aware of it?  Remember if you are the greatest spiritual influence for your children; then they will look to you to decide how important sharing your faith is.  They will also look to you to discover how to share their faith.

I want to encourage you with 3 “Big Ideas” to help you have “beautiful feet”.  Maybe these reminders can give you a boost and help you begin to model sharing about Jesus for your family.

Before we dive in why don’t you take a moment to read Acts 8:26-39.  This is a great story about a follower of Jesus named Philip stepped up and started sharing the Good News about Jesus.  Once you’ve done that take a look at these three big ideas. 

1.    REMEMBER – God is at Work. 

This is something that we all to easily forget.   I think many times sharing our faith is difficult or feels awkward because we have the emphasis in the wrong place. We treat or view sharing our faith as it being about us.  But it has nothing to do with us.  It’s all about God. 

God has been at work in our lives.  God has been at work in the world.  And God has been at work in the life of the person we want to share with. 

Think about Philip and the Ethiopian. Philip didn’t just say to himself – “I think I’m going to go save an Ethiopian today”.   God nudged him and told Him what to do – Philip was simply faithful to the opportunity.  Philip didn’t do anything except show up. 

God had already put the scriptures in the Official’s hands, he already stirred the man’s heart to be ready to ask questions and to respond to the answers. You don’t “save” anyone – God through His Spirit does that work. 

It’s a work that we have to remember that He is always doing.

  

2.    It’s a Partnership 

God partnered with Philip and he showed up.  The same is true for you and I.  God is at work putting people in our paths that we can help point to God. 

The question is will we do it? 

Maybe you are sitting there and saying, “well that’s great and all but how; how do I partner with God?”.  Too often I think we make it way harder than it really is. 

We don’t have to wait for God to send an angel like Philip did.  He probably doesn’t need you to go chasing after chariots, but it could be as simple as: 

·         Inviting a friend or co-worker to church.

·         Reading your Bible in public, or praying when you go out to eat.

·         Maybe you just need to reach out to someone who is not like you and show them that you care about them, because God cares about them. 

There are a ton of ways – the important thing to remember is that you don’t have to have all the answers, or say all the right words.  Remember like we said – God is at work and he wants to partner with you.

 

3.     We Can Do Hard Things

 

Sharing the Gospel can be difficult, but it is worth it. I’d love to tell you that sharing the story of Jesus will always be easy.  But that would be a lie – it can be hard.  It isn’t’ always hard but sometimes it is difficult. 

If there was anything worth sharing with everyone you know – it’s not your meatball sub that you had for lunch. The thing you should share is who Jesus is and what He has done in your life. 

My wife and I  have recently adopted a motto in our home – We Can Do Hard.  

It’s just a reminder for us that just because something is hard doesn’t mean we can’t or that we shouldn’t do it.  Matter of fact most of the difficult things in life are things that are worth doing and pouring yourself into. I can’t promise you that it will be easy but I can promise you that it is worth it.  I can also promise you that the more you make sharing your faith a part of your routine – the easier it will get.   

If you make it a point to share with everyone what God is doing in your life you may find that people will want what you have and will open up to what God is doing in their lives.

And as you model what it looks like to share your faith, your children will start to understand the importance and value of partnering with God – knowing that He is always at work, and that even the smallest things can make a world of difference for other people and for the Kingdom of God.

 

Beyond Texting: How to Talk With Teens

The irony of our current generation of teens is that while the may be the most “socially” connected generation; they are far from the most socially adept generation.  Many students find it easier to communicate through a screen or behind keys than to share the same space communicating face to face with another person. 

This challenge is unique to the current generation of teens, due to the amount of technology at their fingertips.  So how do you get beyond texting with teens?  How do you have meaningful conversations with students?  How do you raise up the next generation when you feel like you speak different languages.  Here are some tips to help you connect with the teens in your life. 

1.        Be An Active Listener 

 Listening is the language of love. Listening communicates value, significance, and worth. Good listening skills include: 

·         giving your undivided attention

·         looking beyond the content of the words by taking notice of tone and body language

·         maintaining an accepting and open attitude

·         using good questions to help clarify your understanding

 

2.       Control Your Non-Verbals

 

Watch your tone and body language when you speak. Do your best to make sure the message you send is the message you want to communicate.

 

3.        Avoid the "silent treatment."

 

Silence can tear apart a relationship.  You may find that you need some time to process some information before you are ready to address an issue.  If that’s the case, make sure that you let your teen know you need some extra time. For example, one might say, "I need some time to consider how to respond. Let's talk about this after dinner."  Be aware when emotions are running high. Sometimes a cooling-off period is required in order for good communication to occur.

4.       Express Your Feelings

Sharing your feelings is important in effective communication.  Students experience a wide variety.  Some of these emotions they may not be familiar with and may not know how to respond to.  Make sure you are open about your feelings.  Do your best to respond in healthy ways to the wide variety of emotions you face, so that they can learn what the best way is to handle the emotions they are experiencing.

5.       Use Open-Ended Questions

 

It’s a proven fact: both parents and kids experience times where they don't want to talk. But make these times the exception, not the rule. Proactively create a habit of conversation in your home.  Use open ended-questions to move past the simple “yes” or “no” answers.  For example,  if you ask the question, ‘How was your day?’  You can expect a closed answer.  Something like ‘fine’ or ‘good’ is likely the response you will get.  But ask an open-ended questions like, “What was the highlight of your day?” and you open a student up instead of closing them down.

6.         Avoid discussion killers.

There are things that will just kill a conversation, most of these you know beforehand, don’t allow frustration or anger push you to use discussion killers.  Examples of these include put-downs, yelling, interrupting, talking-over your teen, and making her or him feel dumb about their questions or comments.

 

7.       Use Affirmation

Provide affirmation whenever possible. Everyone needs affirmation! Regular use of statements like, "Great idea," "That's so clever," "I would have never figured that out," "Way to go," "Good job," “That’s a great point,” will cause your relationship to grow and thrive.  Always communicate with love.

 

 

Getting “beyond texting” with your teenager may be harder than you realized at first.  Remember to be intentional about your conversations.  Demonstrate that above anything else you care for and love them no matter what is going on in their lives.