How to Show Love to Your Kids

by Devin Dummel

As parents we all love our children, but depending on the phase that your child is in you may find it difficult to express your love for them in ways that they can tangibly understand and appreciate.

We all know that love isn’t a noun – it’s a verb.  We don’t have love we DO love – Love is a dynamic action. 

And because we know this it’s often not enough just to say “I love you”.  As the old adage goes, ‘actions speak louder than words’.   So when we want to demonstrate this dynamic love to our children how can we make sure we speak their love language.

All children are different, and are at different phases of life.  So how can you make sure you communicate your love during these different phases?

From Birth – Four Years Old

In this first phase of life, your child is motived by one thing – safety.  They want nothing more than to know you are present and that when they are afraid you will be there for them.  When they get hurt, they don’t want you to tell them to “rub some dirt on it”.  Your touch and your attention will heal any wound they experience.  So during this phase give extra time and attention make sure they feel safe and secure with you.

From Kindergarten – Fifth Grade

This phase is the “fun” phase; I don’t just say that because these years are full of fun, I say it because what motivates elementary age children more than anything is fun.  While you have likely had a hard day at work and you are dealing with pressures from every direction – your son or daughter just want to know that you will pretend with them, go play catch, or take them on an adventure.  If your children are in this phase, make sure you are taking a break from being “lord business” – get down on their level and have some fun.

From Sixth Grade – Eight Grade

There is only one thing that matters to a Middle School Student – fitting in.  The question they are asking themselves every day is “Do I belong?”  All they are looking for is a place to fit in.  To demonstrate your love for them make sure they know that you love them just the way they are.  Make sure that you remind them to be themselves, even as they try to fit in with every group imaginable.  They may try on a few personalities during this phase, but don’t lose heart – what they really want to know is that you love and accept them for who they are.

From Ninth Grade – 12^th Grades

This phase is a challenging one for parents.  It feels just like yesterday that you sent them off for their first day of Kindergarten.  And while it feels that way – the reality is your child is no longer a little baby.  They want one thing – freedom.  One of the reasons children and parents fight so much in this phase is the struggle over this single aim.  To help your child know and understand just how much you love them – teach them about freedom.  Notice we didn’t say “get them unlimited freedom”.  No there is far too much danger for a teenage with unlimited freedom.  Don’t give them unlimited freedom – instead teach them the responsibility of freedom and little by little as they earn your trust – show them how much you love them by giving them their freedom.  The single thing to communicate to a teenager how much you love them – is to show them that you trust them.

Love is more than a word.  It’s more than a feeling, and as your child changes so too will your best way to communicate your love to them.  And while your world is a busy place, with your schedule and practices and getting everything done that you want to get done; and although you feel like you are at times traveling a whirlwind speed, make sure you slow down enough … not just to say “I love you” – but to speak the language of your children and show them you love them through safety, fun, acceptance and freedom.