Parenting and the "Art of Pruning"

A high school couple of three years breaks up days before prom.  He is devastated and seems completely lost without her.

A 6^th grader hangs his head, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone who might make him feel “less than” -  anyone who would call him by many other names.

She sneaks away when no one is looking, trying to purge her system to make sure that she won’t put on a pound.  It’s difficult to get into the popular crowd; she can’t imagine what it would be like to ever be left out again.

It’s painful to watch your children struggle.  It’s difficult to see them in pain.  It may be one of the biggest challenges as a parent – to help your child navigate hardship, trial and frustration.  I believe much of the struggle for parents comes because we don’t truly understand the purpose of hardship, trial and pain.

But if we truly want to navigate the difficult issues, then we must understand gardening.  Yes, that’s right gardening.  We must develop our horticultural skills, get our hands dirty and discover God’s green thumb.

Jesus often spoke in pictures, using rich imagery to communicate deeper truths.  In John 15 He reminds us that our relationship with God is much like a tree and it’s branches.  “I am the true vine (tree), and my Father is the gardener.  He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will even be more fruitful … remain in Me, and I will remain in you.  No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.” 

I think Jesus has a lot to say in just a few verses here, that can help us as parents discover the “Art of Pruning” – and discover why God would allow our children to go through and experience difficult things.

1.       Hardship, Trials & Frustration are Good Things

Our perspective on pain and suffering is terribly skewed.  We automatically view pain and suffering, hardship and frustration, trial and temptation as bad things.  In reality they are good things.  They are things that God has given us for a reason.

They have a purpose.  Think about it, physical pain has a purpose.  If you cut yourself but didn’t feel pain you would never know that you needed medical attention.    The emotions we often associate with hurt and pain are purposeful too.  Without suffering how would we really experience joy.

Without knowing what can be lost how can we appreciate what we have?

James puts it this way, “Consider it joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its works so hat you may be mature and complete not lacking anything.”

God’s purpose for these difficult things is to help us become the people He creates us to be.  He wants us to be mature.  He wants us to be complete.  That won’t happen if we always have it easy.  So instead of growing wild – we are pruned.

As parents, we need to recognize this truth and press into it.  We need to help our children recognize that hard things are not bad things; that the most difficult times in their lives are the times that God is most active at shaping them into the person He has called them to be.

2.       You Can’t “Fix” Pruning

Look back to Jesus’ words in John 15.  Don’t miss this – everyone gets cut. EVERYONE.  This isn’t something you can avoid.  This isn’t something you can protect your kids from.  It’s going to happen, so don’t try to “fix” it.

As parents we want to protect our kids.  We want to keep pain and struggle as far away from them as possible.  I’m not saying just let your kids go crazy.  But what I am saying is don’t over-protect them.  Don’t soften the consequences of bad choices.  Don’t take the brunt of the load hardship.

Remember if these things are good for them, and everyone needs to be pruned, then your job as a parent is help them through that process, teach them what it looks like to follow God during difficult times, show them how to respond in the face of adversity.

Too often, we seek to shield or hide our children from the harsh realities of this world.  I think that largely that’s a mistake.  We all need pruned, so allow your children to go through this process with you before they have to navigate it on their own.

3.       You are not the Gardner

This may be the most important part of the pruning process, and it’s easy to overlook.  Jesus says that He is the vine or the tree, we are the branches and God is the gardener.  It’s God’s green thumb that knows the “Art of Pruning.”

We must trust that God knows what he is doing; that even when life seems harsh, unforgiving, and unfair – that God is not absent.  He’s not unaware of what’s going on, He is instead right there with us in the garden.  Just like it’s been from the beginning.  And He’s finding ways to use all of the trials and hardship to make us into better people.  People who look more like Him.

Don’t try to explain the reason for everything that’s happening to and with your kids – instead point them to God.  Encourage them to discover what the Master Gardner is up to.  Help them discover the “Art of Pruning” for themselves.