Prime Times: The First 15

by Devin Dummel

We have an unspoken rule in our home, and it has to do with how we behave and interact once our day is done.  I refer to it as “The First 15 Rule” – and simply put we decide to be intentional about how we spend those first 15 minutes that we are together as a family.

Life is crazy and if your family is anything like ours then you have all kinds of activities, responsibilities and expectations pulling you in different directions.  On their own each of these things are great, but when you allow them all to play out at the same time, there is often little room left for quality time.

Psalm 90:12 is a prayer that says, “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”  The reality is our time on earth is short, and it’s easy to get distracted by good things and miss the best things.  That’s why we try to use our first 15 minutes together as a family wisely.

Our “First 15” are spent device free.  The television is off.  The phones are on silent.  Our focus isn’t on any outside distraction but totally on each other.  Our kids are pretty young right now, so our “First 15” start with the same types of questions:

• How was your day?
• Did you do anything fun or exciting?
• What did you learn today at school?
• Who did you play with?
• How was your heart?

My wife and I make it a point to ask our boys these types of questions each day.  We dig in and ask follow up questions to learn more about who they are spending time with, what kind of activates they are enjoying and overall how their behavior was while they were at school or the sitter’s.

After connecting with our children, we turn them loose to play with their toys.  But before we turn to other responsibilities – like dinner, laundry, etc.  – we turn our hearts to one another.

It’s easy to miss this moment if you are always running kids every direction.  You feel like you are always on a shot clock, just counting down the minutes left on each activity on your schedule.  While keeping your kids on schedule is important, perhaps the best thing you can do for your family is to make sure you take time for your marriage during those “First 15”.

Take time to make sure your spouse knows how much you care about them and about their heart as well.  Life isn’t just about the kids and their activities.  A healthy relationship between mom and dad is a solid foundation to raise a family on.  You must make time for each other, and it needs to be strategic. 

By taking time as soon as you get home to connect and communicate – you verify that what is most important is your spouse and your family.  Work can wait.  The game can wait.  Picking up and cleaning up can wait.  But what matters most are the bonds that are formed and affirmed each day when you come back together.

In the season of life you are in, you may feel like you don’t have a ton of time to pour into “date nights”.  It may not be cost efficient to fork our $100 or more for dinner and a movie.  But what you can do is make sure that you strategically number your days, by making the “First 15” minutes back together about building each other up and working together.

Prime Times: Drive Time

by Desi Ash

The next “prime time” you can utilize in your normal routine is Drive Time.

Growing up my brothers and I were always involved in something and my mom would joke that she was at times more a taxi driver than a mom. As a kid I would laugh and say something along the lines of well someone has to take us where we need to go. One thing my mom made sure to do when she was our “taxi driver” was to engage in conversation about our day or the practice we just left. This taught me to make good use of my time behind the wheel.

A 2016 survey released from the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety reported that drivers traveled nearly 10,900 miles on average and spent more than 290 hours on the road.

So according to this study, on average as drivers we are spending roughly an hour a day behind the wheel. Of that hour how often are your kids in the car with you?

How are you using that hour to strategically set up your kids for success?

Technology has not only made it easy, but has encouraged the world to spend time in front of a screen. This is true in cars. Cars now have built in DVD players and iPod chargers and Bluetooth to connect directly to your phone for hands free calling.  

What if instead of everyone doing their own thing in the car, the car was used to engage with each other? What if instead of jamming out to music you spent time listening to what God is trying to tell you? What if instead of being bummed out to play “taxi driver” you instead took the time to get to know the hard stuff about being a kid?

If we shifted our mindset of our time behind the wheel, especially when our kids are in the car our drive time could become a time the whole family looks forward to.

Deuteronomy 6:7-9 from The Message states:

Write these commandments that I’ve given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night. Tie them on your hands and foreheads as a reminder; inscribe them on the doorposts of your homes and on your city gates.

If I could add to this passage, I would add, talk about them in the car and inscribe them on the back of the headrests in your car.

I am not saying that jamming out to the oldies or watching a movie on a long road trip is wrong. I am saying that there are times when we are able to take advantage of being in an enclosed place with our kids that will make a difference in their lives.

Here are some tips to get your kids saying more than “it was fine”

• ·        Ask open ended questions. Instead of asking how their day was try asking what was the best or worst part of their day
  
• ·        Ask questions specific to where you are traveling to. If on your way to a practice ask one thing they hope to accomplish or hope they get to do.

Have little ones? Try some of these conversation starters

• ·        Let’s see how many different things God created on our way…
  
• ·        Teach them worship songs or scriptures by having them repeat after you

Spend lots of time traveling alone? Try spending time doing the following:

• ·        Pray for you family, as mentioned in last week’s post
  
• ·        Pray for the world, specifically the area you are traveling through
  
• ·        Jam out to a worship song, singing praise to God
  
• ·        Spend time in silence listening to God speak
  

The hour a day we spend behind the wheel doesn’t need to be dreaded, doesn’t need to be stressful. It can be a time used to engage with our kids and our heavenly Father.

Prime Times: Prayer Time

By Devin Dummel

We all know time is a limited resource.  This truth is one you discover quickly as a parent.  One moment you’re holding your bundle of joy wrapped tightly in your arms, the next you are helping them unpack for college.  As we say a lot around here, “It’s just a phase, so don’t miss it”.

Over the next few weeks, it’s our goal to help you capitalize on the time that you have to positively impact the lives of your children and the Next Generation.   In our next set of posts we will highlight some key times in your normal routine that when used strategically and wisely will ensure the future success of your child. 

The first strategic or “prime time” you can utilize is: Prayer Time.

Now later on we will talk about praying with your children.  But in this post we want to discuss how valuable it is to spend time in prayer FOR your children. 

Prayer is an important spiritual discipline and it can be easier for some than for others.  You may have a rich tradition of prayer in your family, or the extent to which your family prays right now might be to say grace before a meal.  Whatever your circumstance – it’s important to know that prayer is a crucial element to the life of a believer.

Through prayer God stretches us and grows us.  Prayer is our connection directly to God.  While He knows our thoughts and our hearts, He wants nothing more than to hear directly from us.  Put simply prayer is a conversation with God.

Scripture tells us that:

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.  (1 John 5:14)

No matter if you feel like you are “good” at prayer or if you are just struggling your way through - the beautiful truth is God hears our prayers.  And the important thing isn’t how you pray – because there is not a “right” and a “wrong” way to talk to God. 

You can pray first thing in the morning.  You can pray on your drive to work (please keep your eyes open if you choose to do this).  You can pray for long periods of time or you can pray one sentence at a time.  You could even use the monthly Prayer Calendar tool that we’ve developed (CLICK HERE).  It doesn’t matter how you pray – what matters is that you choose to pray.

If you are anything like us, than most of what concerns you or worries you has to do with your children.  My wife spends time worrying about if they’ve had too much “screen time” or if they’ve eaten enough vegetables.    We discuss if they should be doing swim lessons or if they are ready to have a sleep over.  I even catch myself daily praying, “God, please don’t let me screw these kids up!”

If you are looking for one way that you can immediately make a difference in the life of your child, or in your family – taking advantage of the power of prayer could be just the thing you can do right now to make a big impact.

Paul told the believers in Philippi:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  (Philippians 4:6-7)

Time is a limited resource, free yourself and your family from the burden of worry and anxiety.  Spend time in prayer, talking to the Father about everything you are worried about.  Pray for your children – their current choices and their future decisions.  Leverage the prayer time in your life and let the peace of God rule in your heart and mind.

Things Every Child Should Hear: You're Responsible

by Whitney Jones

I think almost all parents would say that one of the traits they would like their child to have now and when they are an adult is to “be responsible”. This is a broad term that can mean many different things. It can mean, being dependable so people know they can count on you or being a contributing member of your family. It can mean, being accountable for your own behavior and doing something to the best of your ability.

Every child needs to know how to be responsible. Children develop self-confidence, feel valuable, and learn important skills when given responsibilities. 

Being responsible is key to children’s success both now and when they grow up.

Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

Teaching kids about responsibility isn't easy -- but what part of parenting is? It can take years and lots of practice. So how can you as a parent make sure that you are raising a responsible child who then grows into a responsible adult?

First, make sure you are creating opportunities for responsible behavior at home. Household chores can be the perfect arena for teaching responsibility. Parents often feel that their young children aren’t old enough to accomplish many household tasks. Do not underestimate your child’s abilities while teaching children responsibility. My one year old has a handful of responsibilities around the house that she is proud to do! She helps me put the washed clothes in the dryer, she helps me rinse the soapy dishes, she holds the dust pan for me and empties in the trash when I’m sweeping. Find something small that they are already interested in doing and allow them to help you with that task. If they are learning to do these small tasks at 1 and 2 years old then when they are 12 and 13 years old, they will be taking ownership of these things around the house.

Giving your child responsibility helps them feel like part of a family and that they are contributing. I often explain to my 13 year old that because we are a family she is expected to do her share of the work.  Giving your children jobs makes them feel needed and helps in developing self-motivation. It teaches valuable skills and prepares them for adult hood. A child who has accomplished responsibilities within the home will be a better employee and will be more responsible in all areas of life.

Next, teaching responsibility often means stepping back. This one is sometimes the hardest for me. When my teenager leaves her swim cap in her room and has already left for swim practice, my natural motherly instinct is to take it to her. But I have learned that stepping back also means I have to watch her “fail” once in a while, which will help her build responsibility.

Lastly, your own habits are key to teaching responsibility. Perhaps the most effective way of teaching responsibility is modeling conscientious behavior yourself. 

Colossians 3:23-24 says, “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.”

We should show our kids and teach our kids to do everything as if we are doing it for the Lord. Whether it’s taking the dog out or making dinner for the family, we should do these tasks without complaining and treat it as an act of service to God. In turn our children will see our behavior and model that same behavior.

                

Things Every Child Should Hear: I'm Sorry

By Leah Dummel

I have worked almost exclusively in some sort of customer service position my entire adult life. When working in customer service, as we all know, one must learn the art of the apology; and as you can imagine, since I have been working with people for the past 10 plus years, I have truly mastered it. Honestly, in recent jobs, I found myself apologizing to strangers 10-25 times a day (I counted once; it was 30 times in one 8 hour day).

The more I was apologizing the easier it got, and the less genuine it became. I didn’t know these people from Adam but I had no problem humbling myself, eating a little crow, and pulling out the most pitiful “I’m sorries” all the day long. But, interestingly enough, it’s not so easy to look into the eyes of my two small children and apologize for losing my ever loving mind over that one extra bath-time splash that completely sent me over the edge (you know, because I asked them not to splash 100 times before that?). But that detail is neither here nor there.

As a “young(er)” parent raising up children in this generation I strongly feel that teaching our children how to apologize is incredibly important. Humbling ourselves, acknowledging our mistakes, apologizing for the pain we have caused, and asking for forgiveness is a life skill that sadly MANY adults have no idea how to execute. 

Although, I don’t think these adults are all to blame. I wonder sometimes, if adults, who can’t find it in themselves to apologize, had parents who never apologized to them and therefore they never learned how and why it is so important.

We can sit and talk to our children until we are blue in the face about how important being humble and apologizing is. However, children learn from our example, they learn from our leadership, they learn from watching us, their parents. And they desperately need to hear us say “I’m sorry” to them when we are wrong. Because guys, we are wrong a lot! I joke with a friend of mine that if my boys learn anything from me; it will be how to apologize! I find myself apologizing to my boys at least once a day, and that’s on a good day!

Our children need to hear us tell them we are sorry, “I’m sorry for screaming at you over spilled milk. I’m sorry I missed your ballgame, again. I’m sorry I hurt you with my knee jerk reaction to your behavior. I’m sorry we haven’t spent a lot of time together lately, this season of life is hard”. They need to know that we acknowledge our mistakes. We acknowledge the pain we have caused, that we accept responsibility and are trying to correct the situation and salvage the relationship. 

1 Corinthians 13:4 says that love is not proud. We love our children and we are desperately trying to teach them to love others tangibly. I have found that an honest and sincere apology and effort to reconcile is one of the most tangible ways we can love others.

Sometimes we as parents are leery to apologize to our children because we are afraid it will show weakness. We are worried it will challenge our authority and that they will no longer respect us. Some days I wrestle with thoughts like, “Man I shouldn’t’ have lost my temper like that I should apologize, they didn’t deserve that. But wait, their behavior was bad so if I say sorry then that will over power the lesson they need to learn regarding this specific behavior”. 

Friends, I promise, God has our back on this one too! 1 Peter 5:5 talks about young men accepting the authority of the elders, BUT the elders must serve each other in humility! Just because we have authority over our children and we are there to teach and shepherd and lead them, doesn’t’ mean we don’t apologize and ask for forgiveness if we are out of line. What sort of example would that set if we didn’t? Our children will grow up thinking they are never wrong and that apologizing and owning their mistakes and taking steps to mend a hurt relationship are not worthwhile qualities for adulthood. YIKES!

One of my husband and I’s favorite folk artists is Derek Webb. He wrote and recorded a beautiful song entitled, “I was Wrong, I’m Sorry, and I Love You”. <<< THIS IS SO IMPORTANT! I love this. I feel like it may end up hanging in our home someday because these 3 phrases, when genuine, are EVERYTHING our children need us to say. Sometimes it’s appropriate to go into great detail in our apologies, explaining exactly what made us explode and how we are wired and all the outside distractions, etc. But sometimes the words I was wrong, I’m sorry, and I love you, are all our children need to hear from us to fully understand and grasp the gravity and importance and beauty of humbling ourselves, writing the wrong, asking forgiveness, and moving forward. 

Things Every Child Should Hear: I am Proud of You

by Desi Ash

I have always had high expectations. As a kid, I was expected to be ladylike, tidy, have straight A’s, be a good athlete, and to always make the right decision. Looking back on these expectations, some of them are hard to achieve or next to impossible. I didn’t always get straight A’s, I loved having a messy room, and I know that I didn’t always make the right decision. These expectations set such high standards for me that when I didn’t accomplish them I was upset and felt like a failure, regardless of the situation.

When was the last time you thought to yourself, “man, I’m proud of …” Due to the high expectations I set for myself, I hardly ever feel proud. Expectations are good, but they can also have a negative effect.

Think for a moment the expectations you have for your kids. Do you expect them to behave in public, be the star athlete on the team, get good grades, do chores, and not grow up too fast? What happens when your kids don’t meet those expectations? Are they grounded, lectured, or have to spend hours getting better?

While there is nothing wrong with having high expectations or expecting the best from your kids, there is one important phrase that needs to accompany those expectations. That phrase is “I’m proud of you”.

There will be times when kids don’t meet the expectations we set for them. Regardless of their achievement, kids need to know that they make us proud.

·      If you’re working on potty training and for three days straight your kid goes without an accident, celebrate those three days, not the accident.

·      If your teenager has worked really hard to raise their math grade from a D to a B, celebrate when their grade is a C.

·      If your teenager is struggling with making the right decision and fitting in with friends, celebrate right decisions and their unique personality.

It can be easy to get caught up in the negative and the unmet expectations. It is in these moments that kids need to know that it’s okay.

There’s nothing wrong with being proud of your children for what they’ve achieved. But they need to know that you’ll still be proud of them, even if they don’t achieve anything impressive.

Being proud is a good thing that can quickly become a negative thing. This is probably why the Bible has a lot to say about being proud; mostly dealing with the negative side. Proverbs 16:18 says Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. James tells us that God opposes the proud (4:6). 

When we don’t share the phrase “I’m proud of you” with our kids, they will begin to question their self-worth, their confidence, and their individuality.

Some ways to help share with your kid how proud of them you are:

• ·        Be proud of the process, not the outcome
• ·        Be proud of the obstacles they had to overcome
• ·        Share your praise when something happens, not hours or days later
• ·        Focus on one kid at a time - avoid comparison
• Stay Positive 

Things Every Child Needs to Hear: I Love You

by Whitney Jones

Over the summer we will be sharing about 7 things every child needs to hear.  No matter their age, their gender or their personality type each and every child needs to hear these seven key things.  The first one is “I love you.”

Let’s think about love for just minute. Love has the power to change lives in amazing ways. It causes grown men to buy flowers for their wives. It causes women to give up the remote during NBA Finals. It causes parents to get up at 2am to rock a crying baby back to sleep. Love changes everything.

As parents we should be telling our kids and showing our kids how much we love them every day. If we are telling our kids and showing our kids love every day it begins to change who they are, what they know, and who they become.

Loving our children tells them they are valuable. When children know they are loved because of who God made them to be, they begin to realize the true value of their lives.

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” -Genesis 1:27

As parents, if we start accepting who our children are and tell them every day how awesome they are they will see value in their lives. They will start seeing the gifts that God has given them and use them for His good.

Loving our children makes them part of something bigger than themselves. To be loved is to be accepted as part of something bigger than ourselves. A child who is loved has an identity in something greater than their own personal world.

Loving our children gives them time to grow in life. Love is patient. Love bears through the good and the bad. It grants children time to gain understanding.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”

-  1 Corinthians 13:4

Showing our children its ok to mess up sometimes and make mistakes is an important way to show them love.

Loving our children provides motivation to love others like Jesus loves. When our lives have been changed by love and we know where that love comes from, we are more likely to extend that love to others.

Loving our children will always remain; Love preservers, stays true, and never fades. It always remains. If you love your child now, they will be able to carry that love with them forever.

“Three things will last forever- faith, hope, and love-and the greatest of these is love.”

-  1 Corinthians 13:13

Love is more than saying “I love you” with a kiss before bed. It’s every day interaction with your child. It’s showing up at every baseball game to be their biggest fan. It’s staying up late to help your teenager finish their science project. It’s praying over your little baby because she has a runny nose. It’s kissing a skinned knee that they hurt on the playground. Love changes everything.