Presence: Quality Time

by Devin Dummel

There is a rumor going around, that I am the “warmest daddy in all the land.”  

This phrase is part of our nightly bath time ritual; and it’s been this way since my oldest could talk.   It comes sometime after getting clean and a little extra bathtub-play-time.  It usually happens after their fingers have pruned but before they are resting in their pajamas.  It happens during the transfer window from the tub to bed.  That’s where my greatest daddy skill comes in, where I get to be a human heater ensuring my children maintain the proper temperature as they prepare to go to bed.

It’s a simple job, but I am extremely fond of it.  I’m not sure if the moniker is entirely accurate; there very well may be a few fathers out there in the world who are warmer, but I’ll accept the enthusiasm for my “gift” wholeheartedly; because at the end of each day I get to hold them just a little longer.

But something odd happened the other night after bath but before books.  As I took my spot to be the human heater, I said to my oldest son, “Are you ready for the warmest daddy around?” to which he responded, “But you’re never around.”  And naturally my heart sank.

In my defense, when asked to clarify my son said, “You’re never around WHEN you are at work”, which is a very logical and highly intelligent thing for a four year old to say.  He is factually correct, when I am at work, I am not around.  But the problem is there are times when I am around – I’m at home, or in the car, or on a walk with my sons – I’m around but I’m really not “around”.

As we finish this month looking at some of the ways in which our children hear and feel our love, it’s about time that we focus on TIME; quality time to be specific.  Because as many of us know; there is a big difference between “regular time” with your children and “quality time” with your children.

Quality time happens when you are engaged and actively participating with your child.  Regular time with your child looks more like a high school babysitter with the TV on, replying to text messages from her boyfriend every thirty-five seconds; sure you are the “responsible adult” in the room making sure no one manages to kill themselves, but there isn’t much engagement beyond that.

So what sets quality time apart from all the other time you spend with your children?  I believe that there are two things:

First, quality time is centered on togetherness.  It’s not about just being in the same space or even doing the same things.  It’s about having focused attention on your children.  It’s about being with them in the moment.  It’s about playing, laughing, getting dirty, being silly and sharing life with them in the ways that they enjoy life in their current phase (yes this may mean you need to listen to Justin Bieber ).  

Secondly, it’s about conversation.  When you partner dialogue with focused attention, what you will realize is that you can learn a lot about your child and about what they are dealing with or going through.  You can see them growing not just physically but mentally and emotionally.  So if you want more quality time with your children, you have to sit down with them, ask questions and listen.

Some children need more quality time than others, but the truth is there is simply no real substitute for physical and mental presence.  If you want your child to feel your love, the best ways is being in their life and on their level on a day to day basis.  Quality time has the greatest impact.  If you’re not sure where to start try a few of these things:

·        Maintain Eye Contact - giving them your undivided attention, communicates that they matter.

·        Don’t try to “multi-task” – we like to think that we be efficient and do lots of things at once.  But if you are working on another task, then you are failing at giving your child quality time.

·        Listen Behind the Words (Listen for Feelings) – don’t just hear what words your child is saying, listen for what they are not saying.  Ask them how things made them feel and what it’s like to be them.

·        Refuse to Interrupt – do your best not to allow your phone, e-mail, or other distraction interrupt quality time with your child, protect that time you only get so much of it.

While you may not be the “warmest daddy in the land”, (that title is already taken) you can be the mom or the dad who is around. You have everything you need to demonstrate how much you love and care for your child.  All you need to do is focus.  So put down the remote, the laptop, the phone, the book or the magazine and ask your child if they would let you hang out with them; even if it’s just for a little bit.  My guess is, they would be thrilled to have you join them.