Presence: Quality Time

by Devin Dummel

There is a rumor going around, that I am the “warmest daddy in all the land.”  

This phrase is part of our nightly bath time ritual; and it’s been this way since my oldest could talk.   It comes sometime after getting clean and a little extra bathtub-play-time.  It usually happens after their fingers have pruned but before they are resting in their pajamas.  It happens during the transfer window from the tub to bed.  That’s where my greatest daddy skill comes in, where I get to be a human heater ensuring my children maintain the proper temperature as they prepare to go to bed.

It’s a simple job, but I am extremely fond of it.  I’m not sure if the moniker is entirely accurate; there very well may be a few fathers out there in the world who are warmer, but I’ll accept the enthusiasm for my “gift” wholeheartedly; because at the end of each day I get to hold them just a little longer.

But something odd happened the other night after bath but before books.  As I took my spot to be the human heater, I said to my oldest son, “Are you ready for the warmest daddy around?” to which he responded, “But you’re never around.”  And naturally my heart sank.

In my defense, when asked to clarify my son said, “You’re never around WHEN you are at work”, which is a very logical and highly intelligent thing for a four year old to say.  He is factually correct, when I am at work, I am not around.  But the problem is there are times when I am around – I’m at home, or in the car, or on a walk with my sons – I’m around but I’m really not “around”.

As we finish this month looking at some of the ways in which our children hear and feel our love, it’s about time that we focus on TIME; quality time to be specific.  Because as many of us know; there is a big difference between “regular time” with your children and “quality time” with your children.

Quality time happens when you are engaged and actively participating with your child.  Regular time with your child looks more like a high school babysitter with the TV on, replying to text messages from her boyfriend every thirty-five seconds; sure you are the “responsible adult” in the room making sure no one manages to kill themselves, but there isn’t much engagement beyond that.

So what sets quality time apart from all the other time you spend with your children?  I believe that there are two things:

First, quality time is centered on togetherness.  It’s not about just being in the same space or even doing the same things.  It’s about having focused attention on your children.  It’s about being with them in the moment.  It’s about playing, laughing, getting dirty, being silly and sharing life with them in the ways that they enjoy life in their current phase (yes this may mean you need to listen to Justin Bieber ).  

Secondly, it’s about conversation.  When you partner dialogue with focused attention, what you will realize is that you can learn a lot about your child and about what they are dealing with or going through.  You can see them growing not just physically but mentally and emotionally.  So if you want more quality time with your children, you have to sit down with them, ask questions and listen.

Some children need more quality time than others, but the truth is there is simply no real substitute for physical and mental presence.  If you want your child to feel your love, the best ways is being in their life and on their level on a day to day basis.  Quality time has the greatest impact.  If you’re not sure where to start try a few of these things:

·        Maintain Eye Contact - giving them your undivided attention, communicates that they matter.

·        Don’t try to “multi-task” – we like to think that we be efficient and do lots of things at once.  But if you are working on another task, then you are failing at giving your child quality time.

·        Listen Behind the Words (Listen for Feelings) – don’t just hear what words your child is saying, listen for what they are not saying.  Ask them how things made them feel and what it’s like to be them.

·        Refuse to Interrupt – do your best not to allow your phone, e-mail, or other distraction interrupt quality time with your child, protect that time you only get so much of it.

While you may not be the “warmest daddy in the land”, (that title is already taken) you can be the mom or the dad who is around. You have everything you need to demonstrate how much you love and care for your child.  All you need to do is focus.  So put down the remote, the laptop, the phone, the book or the magazine and ask your child if they would let you hang out with them; even if it’s just for a little bit.  My guess is, they would be thrilled to have you join them.

Affirmation: Physical Touch

by Devin Dummel

I never knew a kiss could be so powerful.  Raising two boys is immensely challenging and immeasurably fun.  Every day we are creating new worlds with our imaginations, telling stories and becoming heroes.

But as you would expect with all of the saving of the worlds we create together, our boys manage to find themselves in some pretty dangerous situations.  The end result: lots of bumps, bruises, scrapes and cuts.

What we have discovered, as we have learned to parent, courageous and clumsy boys is when the tears start to flow, most of the time all their wounds need is just one perfectly placed kiss from mom or dad.  After that, we are transported back to a land of make believe, and back to our adventures.

Humanity has long known the emotional power of physical touch. It’s something that’s built into our DNA. That's why we pick up babies and touch them tenderly.  That’s why we rock them for hours on end.  And, yes that’s why our magic kisses can heal most wounds.  Long before an infant understands the meaning of the word love, he or she feels loved by physical touch.

The benefits of physical touch have been extensively studied.  Findings have shown that physical touch reduces stress and relieves pain.   These studies have also shown that physical touch is one way in which all people young and old find comfort and affirmation.

When your child is young it can be much easier to affirm them through physical touch.  It’s easier to hold, carry and rock a three year old than a thirteen year old.  But just because your child is growing up, it doesn’t mean that they don’t need to be affirmed by your loving touch.

From high fives to hugs, wrestling to racing, and sports to snuggling – there are so many ways for parents to affirm their children through physical touch.  These actions of affirmation remind your child that:

·        They are liked and loved.

·        They are not alone.

·        They have someone who will spend time with them.

·        That they are accepted just the way they are.

I know there will come a day, when my boys are tired of playing pretend adventures with me.  I know a day is coming when they will no longer want my kisses.   I am aware that there will be a time where I can’t kiss or hug the pain away from their lives.

But I am committed to making sure that a day will not come  where they will question that I love them, where they wonder if they are alone, where they feel as if they don’t matter, or that they need to change who they are to have my love and support.

For now it’s hugs and magic kisses.  Before long it will be playing catch and shooting baskets.  And someday (hopefully a lifetime away from now) it will be a lasting embrace as I say goodbye after a wonderfully long day of playing pretend adventures with my grandchildren. 

Value: Receving Gifts

by Devin Dummel

This past week, I had plans to be out of the office for a couple of days.  So I made preparations.  I was intentional about working ahead and communicating all that needed to be done while I was gone.  Before I left, I made sure to spend some extra time with my kids and my wife.  Everything was ready and in place and I was prepared to be gone, but before I was able to get on the road and get out of dodge, something unexpected happened.

I received a gift. 

I didn’t know that it was going to happen; I didn’t plan on getting a gift.  But there it was anyway sitting on my desk waiting for me to open. 

But this gift wasn’t just any gift … this gift came with instructions.  This gift had multiple envelopes and multiple parcels and each piece was to be opened at a specific time while I was away.  And the most impressive thing was that this gift was just for me.

I have to be honest this gift was amazing, but it wasn’t anything over the top exciting.  From someone else’s point of view some snacks and toys wouldn’t mean much; but for me this gift meant a great deal.

This gift was given with thought and love and care.  It encouraged me and it nourished me.  It reminded me of the impact I’ve had and it spoke truth into my life.  In the end it affirmed me and appreciated me and it gave me value.

This month we are focusing on the key areas in Gary Chapman’s book, Five Love Languages.  And it shouldn’t be a surprise that receiving gifts is one way that many people experience and feel love.  Gifts given (no matter their monetary value) remind us that we are worth something, and that we each have value in the eyes of someone else.

In regards to our children, we often can forget the impact that a thoughtful or timely gift could have.  We assume children know we love them by putting a roof over their head, clothes on their bodies, and food in their bellies.  But there are times when each of our children will need to feel appreciated, and will need to know how much they are valued.

What we are not talking about is buying them everything they’ve ever wanted because they think you aren’t paying enough attention to them.  We suggest focusing on giving gifts that mean something on a deeper level.

If the gift took you time to make, consider, plan or prepare – then it probably will make an impact.  If the gift is specific to them, their tastes, their quirks and their interests; it can be something that they look back on fondly and remember how much you care and how much you love them.

This kind of giving isn’t just good for the one receiving the gifts; it’s also good for the one giving the gifts.  It allows you as the gift giver to focus attention on something far more valuable then what often steals your time.  It allows you to connect on a deeper level and form a bond that can help you navigate the ups and downs of everyday live together.  And it helps you, the parent, model and teach what it looks like to be thoughtful and compassionate.  It teaches your children that not all gifts cost money and that sometimes the most valuable thing you can give is your support, your love and your affirmation.

Your child’s main love language may not be “receiving gifts”  but we have never met any child who doesn’t like getting presents.  So our challenge to you this week is to think of ways that you can give some creative gifts – remind your children how important they are and how much you love them.  Help them discover the value they have not just in your eyes, but in their heavenly Father’s eyes as well.

Encourage: Words of Affirmation

by Desi Ash

In his book, The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman, talks about five different ways people feel love and encouragement; those being physical touch, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and receiving gifts. Each week this month we will explore these and how we can use them to encourage others in our lives.

This week we are focusing on at Words of Affirmation:

Did you know that, researches argue it takes 5 to 10 positive comments to outweigh one negative one?  When you start to think about it, that’s a pretty staggering statistic.  It could be just one of the reasons why our words matter so much.

In high school I had the honor to play Taps at the Veteran’s Day and Memorial Day celebrations. The first time I played was sophomore year at the Veteran’s Day Celebration. Most people went home following the parade, so the crowd for the ceremony was lightly attended. As I sat through the program waiting for my cue, my nerves began to grow. My cue came and I snapped to attention. There was a pause, a command, a slight pause, and then the guns are fired. I waited, remembering everything I’ve learned, and play Taps, those 21 notes flowing out with ease. There was a closing word and the ceremony ended. Afterward, I breathed a sigh of relief and started packing up my trumpet. An elderly man, a Veteran, approached me and said with a tear in his eye “That was beautiful. Thank you.”

Those five words meant the world to me.  Here are some other words of affirmation that have made an impact on my life:

“You are a success. You are worth it.”

“I’ve always had your back and that isn’t going to change.”

“Thanks for helping me when I needed it most.”

Those words not only encourage me, they make me feel loved. There are times when honest and kind words can mean more than anything anyone could ever do.

Using words of affirmation is more than notes, phone calls, or great meaningful conversations. It is about the time and thought put into those words. For someone who is filled up with words of affirmation, those words, positive or negative, speak louder than actions!

If it’s true that it takes up to 10 positive comments to outweigh a negative one, then we must be intentional about how we use our words.  It’s not enough just to react and try to encourage here or there.  We must focus on building up others, especially the next generation.

Take a moment and examine your words.  How are you talking to those around you?  How are you interacting with your family?

Are you filling your kids up with positive comments or negative ones? How can you include more positive comments in your parenting instead of negative ones?  It’s a tough challenge but it is one worth taking; and that’s why we want to help you.

The Box of Encouragement is our newest parent resource.  We hope it will be a tool for your family to start outnumbering the negative with the positive.  And all you have to do is encourage each other with your words.  This month, take the time to really think about the words you use towards your family members.

Here are a few prompts to help you form deeper, more meaningful words:

I appreciate that you . . .

I couldn’t ___ today if it weren’t for you . . .

I am thankful that you . . .

I’m glad to have you as my (mom, sister, friend, etc.) because . . .

I believe in you because . . .

It impressed me when you . . .

I’m so thankful to have you in my life because . . .

I wish I could ___ the way you do.

I’m proud of you for . . .

 

Go ahead – give it a shot.  Start looking for ways to encourage each other through your words, instead of finding something to complain about.  I promise you; just a small word of encouragement can make a huge difference.