Raising kids that WIN at life

by Laura Wise

We’ve all witnessed a child throwing a tantrum—screaming, crying uncontrollably, or even being violent, all because she didn’t get to do what she wanted. These situations can be extremely difficult to handle and often embarrassing for parents. But what do you do when it’s your child that is completely out of control? 

Discovering that your little angel has suddenly grown horns and is no longer as innocent as you thought can be one of the most frustrating moments in parenting, especially if you are caught off guard or when you have no idea what to do.

Most parents understand, that what you do in those difficult situations is crucial to helping your child be successful in life, but many parents do not know where to begin. In fact, most parents don’t think about the necessity of teaching their children self-control until they are face to face with their own child’s wild behavior.

Self-control isn’t just a character trait that some kids have and some kids don’t. We all learn self-control. Which is why self-control is often referred to as a discipline. We have to practice self-control in order to become more in control of ourselves. 

Dictionary.com defines self-control as the control or restraint of oneself and one’s actions/feelings. From a Christian perspective, we can define self-control as saying “no” to ungodliness or worldly passions. The Bible tells everyone to be self-controlled, and when we choose to have the Holy Spirit live within us to guide us, God helps us to maintain self-control. Self-control is one of the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), and the fruit of the Spirit are indicators for us to see if we are living Godly lives.

I believe that when we teach our kids self-control we are setting them up to win, and giving them one of the greatest keys to becoming successful in all areas of life. Psychologists and Sociologists have directly linked children with better self-control to things like making better grades in school, thriving socially and making friends easily, managing their time well, being respectful to authority figures and peers, being hard workers, and settings goals to improve or achieve something they desire. Every parent wants their kids to succeed and live fulfilling lives, and when we teach them the Bible principles about self-control we are setting them up for HUGE wins as they mature and transition into adults.

Most parents are already teaching their children self-control because you are teaching them to take care of themselves or work toward goals— like saving money to buy something they want or studying to earn better grades, or even practicing the sport they love to improve their skills. You also teach self-control when you make them eat their vegetables before dessert. However, in order to teach your kids a more complete Biblical definition of self-control, you must first get your kids to understand their own weaknesses and temptations.

Each one of us is different. Some of us are tempted by overeating, greed, gossip, lying, stealing, while others are angered easily and lash out before thinking. Help your children understand that by being aware of what tempts us, we can take our struggles to God. One of the best ways to start is by sharing some things you struggle with. After they understand what their weaknesses and temptations are you can work together to come up with an action plan to handle the temptations and weaknesses when your child is faced with those things because our desires tempt us every day. And know that they trust you because you are their parents, and what you teach them matters. Even if you don’t see immediate results, we are charged to raise them to understand what is right trusting that God will work everything out for His glory.

Parenting is Messy

by Devin Dummel

In my opinion, it's an understatement to say that parenting is messy business.  From the moment you become a mother or father, it seems life in one way or another is about cleaning up after the bundle of joy you've brought into the world.

During the early phase, it's lots of changing diapers, washing hands, and never-ending laundry.  But just because they get older and more self-reliant doesn't mean the mess goes away; it just changes.  In the elementary years, you discover the messes are less physical and more emotional.  You begin to clean up after hurt feelings and heartache.  You wipe away tears desperately wanting to fix it all.  

As they move into adolescence and the hormone levels are off the charts you move to a strategy of trying to prevent the messes before the ever occur; because in this phase the messes become much harder to clean up.  You want to know who they are hanging out with, who they have a crush on, and you want to make sure they understand the consequences of what happens when you make poor decisions on a Friday night.

No matter the phase, parenting isn’t easy.  You love your child with everything you have, and one of the most tangible ways you show it is by cleaning up and trying to prevent all types of messes.  There’s nothing wrong with parenting this way, but what if there was a better way?  What if instead of always reacting the messes we were able to be proactive in / through / and after “the mess”?

When we spend our lives worried about the messes, we often forget that the goal of parenting isn’t to raise perfect kids.  The goal is to help our children become adults who will discover and live the best life that God has from them. 

It’s a mistake to create a culture in our homes communicating that life is about being perfect or about not making mistakes.  When we focus on the mess we often create an environment that preaches perfection instead of one that teaches our children how to live faithfully in and through the difficult times in life.

The Apostle Paul reminds us of the larger goal at hand in parenting:  “Parents, do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4)

The reality is no one can be perfect.  Your kids can't be perfect.  "Kids make a lot of mistakes that they aren't capable of cleaning up.  So when they do we should avoid negative responses and reaction of anger.  Instead, we need to create an environment where mistakes are okay."

When we begin with the end in mind, knowing that parenting isn’t about creating perfect kids, but instead find ways to teach and instruct them to follow God through the messiness of life, that’s how we know it’s all be worth it.

When we love our children well we don’t just clean up all the messes, we help them learn to navigate the messiness of life and follow God through it all.

Rules or Relationship

by Devin Dummel

In my fifteen years of working with students and their families, I can't tell you how many times I've seen it.  The conversation is always familiar as I have the parents of a teenage student sitting across from me.  The catalyst for the conversation is usually some newly discovered information.  Their child who is a "good kid" has been deceiving them, and they have learned about some unwanted to choices or behaviors that have gone well beyond the rules they've put in place.

It’s always a tough conversation.  But it’s a necessary one.  It’s the conversation that has the potential to be a game changer not just for the student who has been breaking all the rules but for the parents who suddenly feel vulnerable in their relationship.

Over the years, I've wondered why this happens so often.  In our parenting structures and styles, what have we missed (outside of believing our teenagers are angels) that allows us to find ourselves in these situations so often? After giving it much thought, I don't know if the solution is hard to find although it may take quite a bit of energy to correct.

I have come to the conclusion that we can easily misdirect our children when we are more focused on setting up boundaries and rules than living life with them in a relationship.

At first glance, you might wonder – “What does that mean?” 

Let me unpack it for you.

In Matthew 22, we find an account of Jesus being asked a question by one of the religious leaders of His day – a Pharisee.  This was the question: “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Now before you read Jesus’ response you must understand something about the Pharisees and the way they viewed all of the laws and commandments – and there were hundreds of them.  These guys were the religious elite and everyone looked to them for their opinion on the right way to live.  What this particular group did was they elevated the value of the laws in their lives.  They made rules the most important thing as they made their decisions.

This choice led to an interesting practice that some scholars refer to as “fencing the law”.  The meaning was the Pharisees would create new rules – more conservative rules – to ensure that you never got close to breaking one of God’s laws or rules.  For example, God’s people are told not to use His name in vain; so the Pharisees promoted a belief that you could never say God’s name at all in fear that you might somehow say it in vain.  The idea would be if you never broke the boundaries of the new rules (the fence) then there was no way you could ever break the actual command of God.

This seems like a good strategic move from the outside, but think for a moment if you told your child not to do something, what’s the first thing they want to do?   That’s right as soon as the words leave your mouth that’s the only thing they want to do.

The Pharisees forgot an important component to life.  They neglected the truth that life isn’t all about the rules but most of life is actually about relationships.

The question is, where did this strategy get them?  Were they actually better people because they had more and more rules?  Later on, in this same encounter, Jesus would describe the Pharisees in very stark terms.

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites!  You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean.  In the same way, on the outside, you appear to people as righteous but on the inside, you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness." (Matthew 23:27)

You see the rules only dealt with the outside of the person, but relationships are what impact the inside.  With all of their focus on the rules, the Pharisees may have looked clean on the outside to the rest of the world, but God could see what was going on underneath the surface.  He could see what was happening on the inside.

And we face this same challenge for ourselves and to help raise our children.  You and I are called to be different than the world.  While that includes obeying God and keeping His commands – if we only worry about the rules we will always miss the relationship.

That’s why when Jesus was asked, “What is the greatest commandment?”  he responded the way He did:

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul and with all your mind’ This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it:  ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’  All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Jesus’ point was that love is all about relationships.

There is nothing wrong with boundaries and rules.  They are very helpful in pointing us toward the best life that God has for us.  But if we really want to be the best people and the best parents then it can't just be about the rules.

We become the best parents when we guide our children through relationship and love instead of simply leveraging rules and laws.

When we live in relationships we can help our children see why playing by God’s rules always leads us towards Him and towards the best life we could possibly have.

So Much More than Just Being Sorry

By Laura Wise

Why do we apologize? What is the point? Is it to make someone feel bad about what they’ve done? Is it a power display to show which person has more authority? Is it demeaning, dishonoring, or humiliating to apologize? Is it something we say to avoid punishment? Or is it a way for us to show genuine remorse for how we affected others?

True apologies are selfless because we apologize to make others feel better, not make ourselves feel better. Apologies help us communicate that we see the impact of our actions and that we care about the other people involved. Teaching children to apologize is one of those crucial things we cannot dismiss or ignore because a genuine apology is so much more than just being sorry.

Apologies are important because they teach us accountability and clearly define right and wrong. Apologies teach us respect and empathy for others. Apologies teach humility and are reflective of our character. Apologies also give parents an opening to talk about Christian behavior and explain sinful nature as well as share the salvation story. Learning the power of apologizing is something we can share with children from an early age. We all make mistakes or do things we regret; it is just part of life, and at some point in our lives we will all hurt others, intentionally or unintentionally, so knowing how to handle those situations is essential to success.

Teaching our kids how to properly respond in all situations is part of our job as parents and Christian leaders. Like most lessons, a Godly character is best taught by example. When you lead by example you are teaching others that what you are asking them to do is very important, so important that you are also willing to work for it. One of the best ways to lead by example is to let your kids see you apologize.  Maybe you were rude to your spouse or your parents; let your children hear you apologize. Maybe you completely overreacted and yelled at your children for not cleaning up after themselves because you were hangry or you had an awful day at work; apologize to your kids for your wrong behavior. It might shock your kids, but you will be teaching them valuable lessons.

So how do we teach kids to apologize? Here are some tips to help you lead your kids.

•    Identify what is wrong. Ask the child what he/she did wrong. Explain if he/she does not know what was wrong. Then, share an age-appropriate example of something similar that you did wrong. In my experience, personal examples work best. Use the Bible to share what is right and what is wrong.

•    Put yourself in their shoes. Get the child to talk about how they would feel if they were the ones hurt by someone else. Teaching empathy is key to true remorse.

•    What Would Jesus Do (WWJD)? Ask them what God thinks about the whole situation or what God would want us to do. Make sure they understand God will forgive them and how much God loves them even when they make mistakes. This is a great time to pray and have the child talk to God or even ask for forgiveness.

•    Apologize with an Action Plan. Depending on the child’s age this will vary, Have the child apologize stating what he/she did wrong and state how he/she will take action steps not to do this in the future. I am sorry for ___________ and I will ___________ so I will not repeat my mistake in the future.

Wise Parents

by Devin Dummel

I'm confident you've heard the phrase "it takes a village".   This phrase comes from an African proverb which means that it takes an entire community of different people to raise a child and help them grow in a safe environment.  From my experience, this proverb rings true.

It has been our experience that without our village our kids might not make it out alive (possibly because their parents might lose their minds).  In our "normal" routine of life, we have babysitters, grandparents, teachers, coaches and other family and friends who love on and help take care of our kids in one way or another.  Obviously, we spend the most time with our children, and my wife and I are the primary influence in their lives; but we couldn't do it without our village.

While the village is invaluable, in our culture it seems that it’s possible to try and parent on our own instead of pressing into and relying on other people to help us parent.  Our culture is one of comparison – many times silently happening over social media.  We feel insecure as parents, feeling that we should know how to handle every situation that comes our way.  Every one of us is trying our best – but many of us do not seek any outside help or instruction on how to be the best parent we can be.  But remember it takes a village.  So we must be willing to overcome the insecurities and the comparison trap.

Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”

This proverb reminds us that God has designed us for community.  And that on our own we will become dull and useless.  That’s what happens when tools are old and used they lose their usefulness.  But in order to get them back in working order, we have to sharpen them and make them useful again.  When you think about parenting from this perspective, other parents can be great resources to sharpen the tools in your parenting toolbox.  No parent makes every right decision but when we expand the circle and allow others to sharpen us and make us better, we don’t just become better parents we become better people.

The truth is you were designed for community and you need other people.  Can you imagine how much better and simpler life would be if we let down the walls of “perfection” and “acting like we’ve got it all together” and instead allowed the community to sharpen us into the people and parents that God wants us to be?

We can be better parents when we don’t pretend that we’ve got it all figured out.  We can be wise parents who know that it takes a village to help us lead our children on the path toward God’s best future for them.

Raising Adults

By Devin Dummel

Is it just me or does it feel like you spend a large portion of your parenting telling your children what not to do?   "Don't kick the dog."  "Quit touching your brother."  "That word is inappropriate."  "No, you can' stay out past midnight."  "Don't drive more than 5 mph above the speed limit."  "If you say that one more time you are grounded."

Sometimes it feels like you aren't really a parent at all – in actuality you are something more like the behavior police.  It's an easy trap or cycle to get caught up in.  You don't really want to get stuck looking for every behavioral red-flag but you also want to make sure your child will be able to function like a normal human being.

But when we become too focused on changing our child's behavior we can miss the more important work of helping them grow into long-term maturity.  You see the goal isn't for us to raise well-behaved children.  The goal in being a parent is to raise mature adults.  And there is a big difference between the two. 

I think the secret can be found in how we discipline.  Take a look at this ancient proverb:

“My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.  Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold.”  (Proverbs 3:12-14)

Notice in the proverb that discipline isn't done just for discipline's sake – no there is a connection between the discipline a father gives his child and that connection is to wisdom.

When we raise our children to become mature adults we are beginning with the end in mind.  That means that we aren’t simply the behavior police who are trying to create a perfectly behaved child, no we are parents who are trying to impart wisdom to our child as they grow toward maturity.

There are many parents who have made the mistake of parenting for the short term.  Many times their children are the one who once that have finally been given freedom go out and live reckless lives because they lack wisdom.  We can’t parent just for the short term – when what’s in the long term is at stake.

God has given us a great responsibility to parent, discipline and guide our children with long-term maturity in mind.  And that means that when we discipline and correct our children it is done from a place of love and out of a desire to inject wisdom into their lives.

So begin with the end in mind and set your child up for a lifetime of success, help them learn how to make a wise choice in every situation.

God Chose You

by  Devin Dummel

If your family is anything like ours then your summer was filled with adventure.  Without school to "get in the way" of things my boys spent their summer going non-stop.  To use the word busy, would be an understatement;  trips to the zoo, the children's museum, weekly pool parties and a few overnight stays at grandma and grandpa's consumed their free-time this summer.
That doesn't even include all the crafts, messy days, VBS and what we like to refer to as the "best four days of the year". 

It was a great summer but if I'm honest, we are exhausted.  Maybe it's our own fault for thinking of summer as a break from all the business but in an effort to make sure our kids had fun and made memories we managed to stay busier than the rest of the year.

I think this is one of the dangers that we as parents deal with in today’s context and culture: we often run the risk of becoming relationally and spiritually poor in the pursuit of becoming experientially rich.  We want to make sure our kids have all the things, get to see all the things, and get to be all the things so badly that we forget that some things are more important than others.

Sure we walk away with an awesome photo album that people might be envious of, but while we chased these experiences have we helped our kids learn how to live a better life or have we just confused them about what the better life really looks like?

Proverbs 22:6 says, “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.”
If we take this wisdom and apply it to our lives it would suggest that right now as our children are young and are in their adolescence we have the ability to shape their future.  We can influence them and encourage them to pick a path for their lives moving forward. 

So I have to wonder if what we do now in the lives of our children matters so much, we have to ask ourselves the question, "Which path are we pointing them down?"  Are we pointing them down a path to the best life possible or are we pointing down a path that will always leave them chasing the next adventure to try and satisfy them?

The ancient scriptures are clear that parents are the greatest influence in the life of a child.  Even with all the other factors and influences, what you do as a parent matters more to the life of a child than anything else.  There are times when I know I have wished it wasn’t that way – times where I wished that someone else could pour in and shape my child’s future.  But the truth is God chose you to disciple and direct your child.  It is your greatest calling and your life’s greatest work.

As parents, if our influence is that great we must make sure that the path we are putting our children on is the path that leads to God and the path to the best life possible.  We must make sure that we are pouring into their relational and spiritual development and not just trying to be their personal vacation tour guide.  "Start a child in the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it".   You are their greatest influence - make sure you are helping them find their way so they will always know who and where they can turn.