Things Every Child Should Hear: I'm Sorry

By Leah Dummel

I have worked almost exclusively in some sort of customer service position my entire adult life. When working in customer service, as we all know, one must learn the art of the apology; and as you can imagine, since I have been working with people for the past 10 plus years, I have truly mastered it. Honestly, in recent jobs, I found myself apologizing to strangers 10-25 times a day (I counted once; it was 30 times in one 8 hour day).

The more I was apologizing the easier it got, and the less genuine it became. I didn’t know these people from Adam but I had no problem humbling myself, eating a little crow, and pulling out the most pitiful “I’m sorries” all the day long. But, interestingly enough, it’s not so easy to look into the eyes of my two small children and apologize for losing my ever loving mind over that one extra bath-time splash that completely sent me over the edge (you know, because I asked them not to splash 100 times before that?). But that detail is neither here nor there.

As a “young(er)” parent raising up children in this generation I strongly feel that teaching our children how to apologize is incredibly important. Humbling ourselves, acknowledging our mistakes, apologizing for the pain we have caused, and asking for forgiveness is a life skill that sadly MANY adults have no idea how to execute. 

Although, I don’t think these adults are all to blame. I wonder sometimes, if adults, who can’t find it in themselves to apologize, had parents who never apologized to them and therefore they never learned how and why it is so important.

We can sit and talk to our children until we are blue in the face about how important being humble and apologizing is. However, children learn from our example, they learn from our leadership, they learn from watching us, their parents. And they desperately need to hear us say “I’m sorry” to them when we are wrong. Because guys, we are wrong a lot! I joke with a friend of mine that if my boys learn anything from me; it will be how to apologize! I find myself apologizing to my boys at least once a day, and that’s on a good day!

Our children need to hear us tell them we are sorry, “I’m sorry for screaming at you over spilled milk. I’m sorry I missed your ballgame, again. I’m sorry I hurt you with my knee jerk reaction to your behavior. I’m sorry we haven’t spent a lot of time together lately, this season of life is hard”. They need to know that we acknowledge our mistakes. We acknowledge the pain we have caused, that we accept responsibility and are trying to correct the situation and salvage the relationship. 

1 Corinthians 13:4 says that love is not proud. We love our children and we are desperately trying to teach them to love others tangibly. I have found that an honest and sincere apology and effort to reconcile is one of the most tangible ways we can love others.

Sometimes we as parents are leery to apologize to our children because we are afraid it will show weakness. We are worried it will challenge our authority and that they will no longer respect us. Some days I wrestle with thoughts like, “Man I shouldn’t’ have lost my temper like that I should apologize, they didn’t deserve that. But wait, their behavior was bad so if I say sorry then that will over power the lesson they need to learn regarding this specific behavior”. 

Friends, I promise, God has our back on this one too! 1 Peter 5:5 talks about young men accepting the authority of the elders, BUT the elders must serve each other in humility! Just because we have authority over our children and we are there to teach and shepherd and lead them, doesn’t’ mean we don’t apologize and ask for forgiveness if we are out of line. What sort of example would that set if we didn’t? Our children will grow up thinking they are never wrong and that apologizing and owning their mistakes and taking steps to mend a hurt relationship are not worthwhile qualities for adulthood. YIKES!

One of my husband and I’s favorite folk artists is Derek Webb. He wrote and recorded a beautiful song entitled, “I was Wrong, I’m Sorry, and I Love You”. <<< THIS IS SO IMPORTANT! I love this. I feel like it may end up hanging in our home someday because these 3 phrases, when genuine, are EVERYTHING our children need us to say. Sometimes it’s appropriate to go into great detail in our apologies, explaining exactly what made us explode and how we are wired and all the outside distractions, etc. But sometimes the words I was wrong, I’m sorry, and I love you, are all our children need to hear from us to fully understand and grasp the gravity and importance and beauty of humbling ourselves, writing the wrong, asking forgiveness, and moving forward. 

Things Every Child Should Hear: I am Proud of You

by Desi Ash

I have always had high expectations. As a kid, I was expected to be ladylike, tidy, have straight A’s, be a good athlete, and to always make the right decision. Looking back on these expectations, some of them are hard to achieve or next to impossible. I didn’t always get straight A’s, I loved having a messy room, and I know that I didn’t always make the right decision. These expectations set such high standards for me that when I didn’t accomplish them I was upset and felt like a failure, regardless of the situation.

When was the last time you thought to yourself, “man, I’m proud of …” Due to the high expectations I set for myself, I hardly ever feel proud. Expectations are good, but they can also have a negative effect.

Think for a moment the expectations you have for your kids. Do you expect them to behave in public, be the star athlete on the team, get good grades, do chores, and not grow up too fast? What happens when your kids don’t meet those expectations? Are they grounded, lectured, or have to spend hours getting better?

While there is nothing wrong with having high expectations or expecting the best from your kids, there is one important phrase that needs to accompany those expectations. That phrase is “I’m proud of you”.

There will be times when kids don’t meet the expectations we set for them. Regardless of their achievement, kids need to know that they make us proud.

·      If you’re working on potty training and for three days straight your kid goes without an accident, celebrate those three days, not the accident.

·      If your teenager has worked really hard to raise their math grade from a D to a B, celebrate when their grade is a C.

·      If your teenager is struggling with making the right decision and fitting in with friends, celebrate right decisions and their unique personality.

It can be easy to get caught up in the negative and the unmet expectations. It is in these moments that kids need to know that it’s okay.

There’s nothing wrong with being proud of your children for what they’ve achieved. But they need to know that you’ll still be proud of them, even if they don’t achieve anything impressive.

Being proud is a good thing that can quickly become a negative thing. This is probably why the Bible has a lot to say about being proud; mostly dealing with the negative side. Proverbs 16:18 says Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. James tells us that God opposes the proud (4:6). 

When we don’t share the phrase “I’m proud of you” with our kids, they will begin to question their self-worth, their confidence, and their individuality.

Some ways to help share with your kid how proud of them you are:

• ·        Be proud of the process, not the outcome
• ·        Be proud of the obstacles they had to overcome
• ·        Share your praise when something happens, not hours or days later
• ·        Focus on one kid at a time - avoid comparison
• Stay Positive 

Things Every Child Needs to Hear: I Love You

by Whitney Jones

Over the summer we will be sharing about 7 things every child needs to hear.  No matter their age, their gender or their personality type each and every child needs to hear these seven key things.  The first one is “I love you.”

Let’s think about love for just minute. Love has the power to change lives in amazing ways. It causes grown men to buy flowers for their wives. It causes women to give up the remote during NBA Finals. It causes parents to get up at 2am to rock a crying baby back to sleep. Love changes everything.

As parents we should be telling our kids and showing our kids how much we love them every day. If we are telling our kids and showing our kids love every day it begins to change who they are, what they know, and who they become.

Loving our children tells them they are valuable. When children know they are loved because of who God made them to be, they begin to realize the true value of their lives.

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” -Genesis 1:27

As parents, if we start accepting who our children are and tell them every day how awesome they are they will see value in their lives. They will start seeing the gifts that God has given them and use them for His good.

Loving our children makes them part of something bigger than themselves. To be loved is to be accepted as part of something bigger than ourselves. A child who is loved has an identity in something greater than their own personal world.

Loving our children gives them time to grow in life. Love is patient. Love bears through the good and the bad. It grants children time to gain understanding.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”

-  1 Corinthians 13:4

Showing our children its ok to mess up sometimes and make mistakes is an important way to show them love.

Loving our children provides motivation to love others like Jesus loves. When our lives have been changed by love and we know where that love comes from, we are more likely to extend that love to others.

Loving our children will always remain; Love preservers, stays true, and never fades. It always remains. If you love your child now, they will be able to carry that love with them forever.

“Three things will last forever- faith, hope, and love-and the greatest of these is love.”

-  1 Corinthians 13:13

Love is more than saying “I love you” with a kiss before bed. It’s every day interaction with your child. It’s showing up at every baseball game to be their biggest fan. It’s staying up late to help your teenager finish their science project. It’s praying over your little baby because she has a runny nose. It’s kissing a skinned knee that they hurt on the playground. Love changes everything.

God Made Me to Shine

by Devin Dummel

We were all created differently.

Seems like a pretty simple observation doesn’t it?  In a world where disagreement seems normal one of the things we all can agree on, is that in so many ways we are very different.

I have two sons, and despite both having the same genetic material contributed they couldn’t be more different.  And while we didn’t have a clue what we were doing in raising our first son, we still don’t have much of an idea of what we are doing – so that eliminates the nurture debate.

I look at both of my sons, whom I love with all my heart, and think how could they be so different?  They are nearly opposite ends of every spectrum.  How does that happen when nature and nurture are so closely aligned?  What’s the purpose of all of our differences?

In Genesis there’s the story of the first time humans ever brought life into the world.  And if you’ve ever been in a delivery room, the moment a baby is born you know just how magical that moment truly is. 

After nine months of struggle, and countless hours of breathing exercises, and unbearable pain, Adam and Eve share the first of these magical life-giving moments.  The best part is we have Eve’s words and thoughts recorded for us:

“With the help of the LORD I have brought forth a man” (Genesis 4:1b)

Adam and Eve understood that God was involved in the process of bringing life into His world.  They knew what I have come to understand; that God divinely gifts us our differences making us in His image and creates a beautiful landscape of individuals.

Just knowing this truth is astonishing.  It’s incredible. 

But what is the purpose?  Why is it better for us to have different gifts, skills and aspirations?  What’s the value in different personalities and natural qualities that we each possess?

Another way to think about it is, why did God make my kids so different?

God has put His divine light – part of His image – in each of us.  And through our unique make up, gifts, passions, and calling we are able to shine that light into the world.

God made you to shine.

God made us all to shine, to take His light into all the dark places in the world.  Jesus said:  “Let your light shine so others can see it. Then they will see the good things you do. And they will bring glory to your Father who is in heaven.” (Matthew 5:16)

This is why God has made each person special.

He made us to shine, the question becomes how can we help our children discover how they can best shine God’s light?

How can we encourage them to be all that God made them to be, and to understand that God made them uniquely for a purpose?  It’s up to us to empower them and encourage them.

It’s our job to help them discover God’s light in them.

It’s our responsibility to bring forth the light and life in them, because God made them to shine.

God Made Me to Help Others

by Desi Ash

There are times when I hate being a black female. The majority of those times are when I see someone stranded and in need of assistance. Just the other day as I was driving through a random neighborhood to cut down on my drive time, I passed an older couple struggle to make it home with their groceries. 

Everything in me wanted to pull over and load them and their groceries in my car and drive them the rest of the way home. But for my safety (and theirs- they both were wearing oxygen and suffering from either old age or medical problem) I wasn’t able to offer my help. 

Does it make me a bad person? No. 

Does it make me feel guilty? Yes.

Sometimes when I experience these situations I feel like the Levite in the Parable of the Good Samaritan found in Luke 10.

29  But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?” 30 In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31 A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32 So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34 He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. 35 The next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’ 36 “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?” 37 The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.” Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”

I’m sure you can relate. We all pass opportunities when we are able to reach out and lend a helping hand.

Which is why it’s important to remember when Jesus says:

 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ 37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ 40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ (Mathew 25)

That homeless person begging for food by Walmart represents Jesus. That struggling to make ends up mom who can’t clothe her children, represents Jesus. The older couple walking home with their groceries, they represent Jesus.

Let’s challenge ourselves to take a second and remember who they represent instead of judging their situations. I believe when we are able to see Jesus in other people, we are more likely to reach out and lend a helping hand.

God Made Me to Follow Him

by Devin Dummel

Recently my boys have discovered Disney’s animated classic Peter Pan.  After their first viewing, they have now watched the movie every day this week.  I also have the pleasure of having a cd which is playing on loop in our van while we run errands retelling the heroic tales of Peter Pan and the Lost Boys.

In a short amount of time my boys have heard the story and the song enough times that they have already memorized most of it.  In their abundance of innocence they have even chosen costumes for our whole life group based off of Peter Pan’s story.  (I just hope I don’t have to be Tiger-Lilly)  But perhaps the cutest part of their reaction to Peter Pan has been their marching single-file and singing in unison …

“I’m following the leader, the leader, the leader.  I’m following the leader wherever he may go.”

It just doesn’t get much better than that.

Jesus had his own band of Lost Boys, we refer to them as the disciples, but they too were trying desperately to follow their leader.  They came from different walks of life, and they each had their own baggage to deal with but one thing they all had in common. 

Jesus invited them to follow Him.

He said to them:  “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.  For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. (Matthew 16:24-25)

Jesus called the disciple to let go of the cares of this world and follow wherever He would lead.  This task was easier said than done.  Notice, Jesus told them they would have to take up their cross – meaning that they would ultimately have to be willing to lay down their life.  They would have to be willing to sacrifice everything in order to follow Him.

But the truth is – that’s where adventure with God begins.  God hasn’t called us to live a boring, play it safe, hum-drum kind of life.  He hasn’t called us to wait things out until He returns.

He has instead asked us to partner with Him and to follow where He will lead.  Following Him will have its up and downs, even David – a man after God’s own heart – described walking through a valley shrouded in death, but when you follow with all your heart, God will take you to places that are so exciting and will take you so high that you will never land.

All of us are following someone.  The question you must ask is, “Are you following the leader, wherever He may go?”

Because when you are … it doesn’t get much better than that.

God Made Me to Trust Him

by Desi Ash

Trust does not come easily for me. By that I mean the deep, tell you my inner thoughts and secrets type of trust. Very few people have achieved that level of trust. So when I became a Christian, the whole trusting God part of my faith was a huge challenge. Towards the end of high school I took a leap of faith, the second biggest leap up to this point in my life (the first was being baptized even though I didn’t have the support of my family). I was going to trust God with my future; from college to career, to family, to finances, I was going to trust wherever God took me.

Trusting God with my future meant I was willing to give up my dream of being a musician, it’s meant being stuck in the Midwest, it’s meant being put through some tough and trying situations, but most importantly it means that I still trust Him.

It is easy to say we trust God. Living out our trust though is a hard thing. Do you trust God when

• ·        Money is tight and the bills keep coming
• ·        You have a habit you need to change, but the future is unknown
• ·        Your family member is sick and you don’t get why
• ·        You son or daughter is having problems fitting in

The Gospel of John is known for the recording of Jesus’ miracles. One of those miracles is of the man born blind in John 9.

The Message translation of this recording reads:

 1-2 Walking down the street, Jesus saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked, “Rabbi, who sinned: this man or his parents, causing him to be born blind?”

 3-5 Jesus said, “You’re asking the wrong question. You’re looking for someone to blame. There is no such cause-effect here. Look instead for what God can do. We need to be energetically at work for the One who sent me here, working while the sun shines. When night falls, the workday is over. For as long as I am in the world, there is plenty of light. I am the world’s Light.”

 6-7 He said this and then spit in the dust, made a clay paste with the saliva, rubbed the paste on the blind man’s eyes, and said, “Go, wash at the Pool of Siloam” (Siloam means “Sent”). The man went and washed—and saw.

This blind man shows quite the bit of trust. I’m sure he has heard of Jesus and the miracles Jesus was doing, but being blind he didn’t KNOW Jesus was the one applying mud to his eyes. The blind man didn’t question Jesus or what Jesus did. He simply did what Jesus told him to do. Even when questioned and doubted by others, this man stood his ground for what Jesus did.

In a way we are like the blind man. We cannot see Jesus face to face. We have to trust when He is at work in our lives and trust that He will take care of us. This man’s life was up-heaved because of something he didn’t choose, Jesus chose him. There are many situations that come along that we don’t want and wouldn’t wish upon our enemies. Remember that God chose you.

God didn’t promise that our lives would be easy, God promised that He would be the same yesterday, today, and forever. And time and time again God shows that all we need to do is trust Him.