March Madness: Conflict

by Desi Ash

Growing up with three brothers meant being the scapegoat; I took the blame a lot because being the only girl meant less of a punishment for me. But the time I got into the most trouble ever didn’t involve my brothers, I was alone in this one. I took twelve dollars off the counter. Before I knew it mom was looking for the money and even asked if I knew what happened to it. I lied and then that afternoon spent the money. I don’t remember what on, now looking back on the event I hope it was worth it.

The next day, my mom pulled me aside and asked where I got the money to buy said item. I lied and told her I found the money. And the words that came out of my mom’s mouth next broke my heart. She said something along the lines of her being disappointed in me and that I broke the trust she had and that it would take a while to rebuild it. I believe I was then sent to my room to think about what I had done and for her and dad to discuss my punishment. I can remember my parents arguing over what should happen. My dad making a list of things I could do to pay back the twelve dollars, while my mom could sense that her words were punishment enough. I believe the punishment ended up being a mix of the two, a grounding for a couple of weeks and extra chores around the house.

Two things stand out to me about this series of events. The first being the words of my mom and the second being my parents fighting over me.

If I were to sum up this whole story with one word it would be conflict. I was conflicted between telling the truth or lying about the money. My mom was conflicted on how to handle the situation (and later she told me she felt really bad about what she had communicated with me when she figured out I had lied). My parents were conflicted on the punishment to be given to their daughter who knew better yet still did something unacceptable.

Where has conflict come up in your family? Is there conflict between your kids, because sometimes siblings just don’t get along? Is there conflict in your parenting, because you and your spouse just can’t see eye to eye on how to handle tough situations? Is there conflict in your marriage?

There will be times when you were caught up in the moment and you didn’t communicate what you really meant. There will be times when you say things just to win the argument. There will be times when you are right, yet you stay silent. Parenting and marriage is hard work. Conflict is going to happen and how you handle it is going to make all the difference.

Ephesians 4:26 says “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.

And Proverbs 15:1 says A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

The Bible says a lot about conflict, but I believe these two verses sum up how God wants us to deal with conflict.

1.  It is okay to be angry, upset, disappointed, whatever you are feeling. Ephesians is saying, it is important to not let those feelings dictate what happens next.

2.  Deal with conflict when it happens. It is not good to sit on it for weeks. When you do this you are missing valuable conversations that could happen in the moment.

3.  Proverbs is saying the way we respond to conflict matters. Instead of pointing fingers and blaming, point out the bigger picture in a humble, loving way.

As adults we are modeling conflict resolution to our kids when they see how we deal with conflict. If they only thing our kids see when conflict arises is yelling and hurt feelings, they in turn will do the same.  So the next time your spouse or your kids do something against your expectations take a breath and handle the situation in a loving and calm manner.

March Madness: Responsibility

By Whitney Jones

I think almost all parents would say that one of the traits they would like their child to have now and when they become an adult is “to be responsible.” This is a broad term that can mean many different things. It can mean, being dependable so people know they can count on you or being a contributing member of your family. 

It can mean, being accountable for your own behavior and doing something to the best of your ability. Being responsible is a key to children’s success both now and when they grow up. So how can you as a parent make your child more responsible?

Give your child “meaningful to them” tasks. Allow them to make dinner for the family once a week so they feel they have done something important for the whole family. Or allow them to take responsibility for the family pet. As a parent you might have to give up some control in order for your child to be able to take full responsibility for that task. However, allowing a child to “do it their way” will encourage a feeling of pride and foster a sense of responsibility.

Children with high self-esteem tend to be more responsible. One way that parents can instill a high self-esteem in their child is by providing messages that build their self-esteem. Children feel a sense of worth, when they feel appreciated and loved for who they are. So tell your children daily that you love them unconditionally for who God has created them to be.

Children feel capable to do tasks when they have a sense of power and control over their lives. When children feel capable, they are more likely to try their hardest and feel good about what they do. You can increase your child’s sense of responsibility by helping them to feel that they are capable by telling them, “Thank you so much for taking out the trash. That helped me out a lot this evening.”

Lastly, parents need to lead by example and share truth from the Bible with their children. Colossians 3:23-24 says, “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.”

We should show our kids and teach our kids to do everything as if we are doing it for the Lord. Whether it’s taking the dog out or making dinner for the family, we should do these tasks without complaining and treat it as an act of service to God. 

March Madness - Patience

by Devin Dummel

I was once in a Bible College class where the professor adamantly stated, “I know the Bible says to pray for patience, but that’s one thing I refuse to do.  Why would anyone pray for God to give them something to be patient about?”  When I heard his logic, naturally I laughed, but I also thought it was kind of genius.  Who in their right mind would ask God to give them situations and scenarios that would stretch them thin and wear them out?  While you would have the benefit of becoming a more patient person, wouldn’t you rather ask God for exactly what you wanted?

For those of us who are parents, you know that when you dreamed of starting your family, or when you imagined meeting the baby that you saw on a sonogram image, you did not picture the amount of patience that would go along with taking care of this tiny human.  There are many skills that make up being a successful parent, and patience is likely one of the most crucial.

From waiting for them to finish the bed time routine, to the ungodly amount of time it takes to clean up their toys, our children seem to know exactly how to drag simple tasks out and test our patience daily.  My personal favorite is when my child has asked the same question multiple times.  Over and over again I answer calmly and patiently, noting that I’ve already answered this question.  But it doesn’t matter, the questions never end.  And eventually I lose my cool.

Questions like, “Are we there yet?” and “How does that work?” not to forget about the all-important and ever ambiguous “why?” – are all questions that can easily try our patience, to get us to the end of our rope, and make us what to lose our minds.  So let’s take a moment for ourselves and ask the all-important and ever ambiguous “why?”  Why does raising kids test our patience?  What’s the point of them seeing us constantly at our breaking point?  Dear, God in heaven, what are you trying to teach me or show them through the process of being patient?

James, who was Jesus’ half-brother wrote these words to encourage believers who were struggling with patience:

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

While we might not want to pray for patience it an important part of God’s maturing process.  As God’s children, and for our children, we must embrace this profound truth.  When things don’t go our way, when we are pushed to the edge, we must have patience and preserver.   We can’t give into the temptation to explode, or to compromise on who God has called us to be.

It’s through this process (notice the patience is a process and is not satisfied instantly) that God matures us, completes us and makes us more like Him.  When we become people of patience, it is one more way that we show the world a piece of God’s character.

So the next time your child is pushing their limits and you are feeling like you are going to blow your lid – choose to show them God instead of your frustration.  Choose to help them see what it looks like to be mature and complete instead of satisfying something for instant relief.  God is testing your patience so that you can demonstrate the process of perseverance to the next generation.  They are looking at us to show them the way, so let’s so them what it looks like to be mature, not lacking anything.

March Madness - Consistency

by Desi Ash

March Madness. For basketball fans it means filling out your bracket and watching lots of games. For non-basketball fans it could mean being annoyed with trying to keep track of who’s cheering for who or trying to engage in conversations you could care less about. For us, the next gen team, we are using the month of March to talk about things that drive parents crazy; the things that frustrate, irritate, and push buttons, and how you can use those things to leverage opportunities with your kids.

This week we are talking about consistency.

Consistency in my life as a kid meant my parents following through with my speech development. As I learned to speak my parents had to be consistent with correcting me and helping me with my speech homework. Without the consistency I would take steps backwards and we all would be very frustrated as I tried to communicate correctly. Working on correct pronunciation was annoying and infuriating and there weren’t times I wanted to take a break. Learning to talk was a year round process from the age of three through fifth grade. My speech teachers were able to tell when the work at home was consistent and when it wasn’t.

Now in working with preteens I am quickly reminded how important consistency is. When the schedule changes and throws preteens for a loop it causes them anxiety and causes me stress because they are continually asking what’s next. When the day is consistent they know what to expect next and what I expect from them during that time.

How have you seen consistency throughout your parenting? Maybe it’s the bedtime routine that has way too many steps and drives you crazy. Or maybe it’s the same after school argument of getting your kids to do their homework instead of playing video games. Maybe it’s being consistent with the potty training process and handling accidents as teaching opportunities instead of with disappointment.

Being consistent isn’t easy. It can be trying, make you short tempered, and seem pointless. Not only do you need to be consistent with what you do, you and your spouse also need to be consistent.

I remember as a kid knowing which things to ask mom if I wanted permission for and which things to ask dad for permission. If it was sports related it was a dad question. Anything else went to mom. Luckily for me, the inconsistency of my parents let me do things the other wouldn’t have agreed on. Was it wrong for me to take advantage of the situation? Possibly, but as a kid I was just leveraging the situation.

You can let these things drag you down or you can look at the big picture. Two verses come to mind when I think about being consistent and the battle that comes along with it.

Galatians 6:9-10 The Message

So let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.

Matthew 5:33-37 The Message

 “And don’t say anything you don’t mean. This counsel is embedded deep in our traditions. You only make things worse when you lay down a smoke screen of pious talk, saying, ‘I’ll pray for you,’ and never doing it, or saying, ‘God be with you,’ and not meaning it. You don’t make your words true by embellishing them with religious lace. In making your speech sound more religious, it becomes less true. Just say ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong."

Paul says it so well when he uses the phrase: don’t allow yourself to get fatigued. Being consistent is hard work, but that hard work is worth it. Each time you say homework before video games you are building consistency. Each time you go through the 52 steps in the bedtime routine that only needs three you are showing your kids they matter. Being consistent shows them that your word matters and that you are going to follow through with what you say. At the end of the day, being consistent helps kid become better adults.

So next time you are exhausted and want to give in, don’t. Stick it out, be consistent, and remember the big picture. In the long run being consistent is worth it. 

Passion

By Whitney Jones

Just this week I spent an entire afternoon driving all over God’s green earth to find the exact items my daughter needed for a school project.  I went to three separate places looking for specific items, the most difficult of which to find were a particular type of Twizzlers. I was determined that I would find the exact kind she was describing so that her Science project which was due Friday, would be perfect.  

Driving home successfully with all the correct supplies I felt thrilled.  I walked in the door, beaming believing my thirteen-year-old would share my enthusiasm.  But much to my surprise she wasn’t as passionate about the Twizzlers that had eluded me all afternoon.

Clearly, I can be a passionate parent, and I have always had a very passionate personality. As a child I was passionate about gymnastics and practiced every day to get better and better. I disciplined myself to balance school and the long hours in the gym so I could be the best gymnast that I could possibly be.  This passion for gymnastics fueled my passion to live a healthy lifestyle as an adult and help others be healthy.

As a preteen I started becoming passionate about others and befriending those that got picked on at school. I wanted to be friends with everyone, even the kids that weren’t popular or well-liked by others. This passion led me to love others, even those that live very different lifestyles than me. Today, this passion for others is fueled by providing a safe, loving environment for children in a crisis through Safe Families.

As a teen I was passionate about children and I enjoyed babysitting. I wasn’t the type of babysitter that invited my boyfriend over and ignored the kids. I was the type of babysitter that painted with the kids and took them to the zoo and swimming. I truly loved being with kids and watching them learn about the world around them which led me to pursue a degree in Elementary Education. Now I am fueling my passion for others by teaching kids about God and His infinite love for them.

 No one taught me to be passionate about gymnastics, other people or children. It is the way that God wired me to be. However, along the way I had my parents and other role models in my life that helped guide me and turn up the “passion dial” in my life. You see we all are hard wired to have passion. We just have to figure out how to use that passion for God’s glory.

When kids move into the teenage years, we need to turn up the “passion dial” in their lives. It is critical for teenagers to make personal connections to what they learn. They need consistent opportunities to be the hands and feet of Christ so they can start to understand how to be the church. Teenagers can do amazing things with their gifts if we as parents and leaders give them something important to do.

We want our kids and teens to be young people fueled by passion, but that passion is only fully realized when we understand who God is and where we find our true identity. As parents and leaders we want to turn the “passion dial” in their life so we can help kids understand “Why Am I Here?”  

Can you imagine what life would be like if your kids developed a sense of passion that mobilized them to do what Jesus did on earth? What if they each understood they are designed to personally participate in God’s story to show His redemptive plan to every generation?

Our children look to us to discover what passion looks like.  Unfortunately, we often quiet the passion in our lives for things that are more practical or seem more responsible.  But if you want to unlock the passions of your son or daughter, and turn the “passion dial” up in their lives, encouraging them to use their gifts, talents and abilities to further God’s kingdom – then it starts by modeling what it looks like to live a passionate life instead of a passionless life.

You don’t always have to be efficient.  You can choose to live from your passions and pour yourself into the things that you care desperately about.  You can find the things that break your heart and you can make a difference in fixing them.  You can do all these things, and all the while practically demonstrate to your kids the results of a life lived from our passions.  So give it a shot this week.  Find something you are passionate about, drop everything else and turn up the dial together.

Discovery

by Desi Ash 

Have you ever discovered newborn baby bunnies in the wild? Or lived to tell tales of eating wild berries? Or mastered the art of peeing outside? Those are all lessons I discovered during the summers of my childhood. My brothers and I would spend countless hours in the woods behind our house.

One summer we discovered a nest of baby bunnies; recently born that they barely had any hair on them. In amazement of our discovery, my brother Martin picked one up and we trekked back to show mom and dad. Let’s just say that they didn’t enjoy our discovery as much as we did. We sadly then learned that we probably killed the bunnies because the mom would pick up our scent. (To this day I believe we killed them all).

My older brother was a boy scout and would use this fact to convince Martin and me that the berries growing in the woods weren’t poisonous. He would spend days saying the boy scout manual says it’s okay or that he already ate one and is fine so we should to, all tactics that older brothers are good at. Eventually we would give in, only to find out that they tasted gross and that he himself never ate one. Luckily, we never crossed any poisonous ones.

Being a girl I quickly learned that if I wanted to keep up with my brothers and get the most out of our time in the woods then I was going to have to master peeing outside. My brothers did it all the time no problem, but each time I had to go, I would run back home, and then have to try and find them when I got back. So I decided peeing outside was a skill I needed to have. Well, it’s not as easy for a girl to pee outside as it is a guy (something I didn’t realize as a kid). The first few times I tried I peed all over myself and was super embarrassed.  Over time I discovered the right way to stand and was a pro at peeing outside.

As a kid discovering the world of the woods was what we wanted to do. We hated when mom would add “and stay out of the woods” to our daily rules. What I didn’t know was that discovering was a second nature because God wired me that way. I love that my parents let me spend countless hours in the woods.

Genesis 1 tells us God created us in His image and in His likeness. We as adults need to help kids discover what that means. We can do that by entering their world and letting them trust us. The more we walk beside kids the more they will see in themselves how they are a masterpiece of God’s.   As you walk through the different phases with the kids in your life the more they will see how you discover and deal with the world and the more their future relationships will model what you show them.

How are you as parents provoking discovery within your kids? How are you provoking discovery in your life? As you add discovery into your life and the life of your kids be prepared to see God come alive in new and wonderful ways.

Wonder

By Devin Dummel

Growing up, I was a very inquisitive boy.  I would ask my parents question after question trying to figure out more about the world.  As they would answer my question, to the best of their ability, it would naturally lead to another question.  And another and another.  My “go to” questions became ‘why’ and ‘how’.  As I child I thought this line of questioning was innocent enough, but now that I am a parent, it’s amazing I didn’t drive my parents insane with my never-ending string of questions.

My inquisitive nature might be the explanation for one of the best Christmas gifts I ever received.  During the height of my “wonder years” my parents bought me a copy of what looks like a college text book, put together by Reader’s Digest, titled, “How in the World?  A Fascinating Journey Through the World.”  When I opened that gift, I was thrilled.  I started reading, and I read that book from cover to cover.  It was a gift that meant the world to me.

What my parents realized was that I was filled with wonder, and as tempting as it might be to stifle the incessant questions, they believed that there was value to be found in a wondering mind.  I will be forever thankful for that gift as well.

I wish the same could be said about the faith culture that I grew up in.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the church that I was raised in, but it wasn’t a place that helped me wonder.  I grew up in a faith culture that discouraged wonder, and valued hard answers.  Everything needed to be right and wrong or black and white.  To be a Christian meant that you had the ‘right’ answer to every wondering spiritual question.  And that worked just fine for a while, until some of the answers I had been told to the wondering questions I had no longer seemed to be enough. 

The struggle with having to have all the answers is that when something doesn’t add up, when one of the answers doesn’t seem quite right, the whole system starts to break down.  But what I discovered as I began to look for the right answers, wasn’t a God who wanted me to have it all figured out, but a God who had created and designed me to be amazed by the wonder of who He is.

When I began to embrace wonder again – and look at the world in a different way, what I began to see all around me were signs and signals – revelations – of the creator that I could not see.  And once again my heart was captured with wonder.  Once again I was amazed.

You may or may not realize this but God has designed each of us for wonder.  And the reality is, every child walks around with an invisible sign saying, amazing me, capture my wonder, entangle my heart and my mind.  Our problem is too often we are more worried about preparing them to live in the world, than allowed them to be amazed by it.

It’s our job as parents and leaders of the next generation is to incite wonder in the lives of our children.  It is our responsibility to help our children discover a world that is filled with and points to the signs of a creator that cannot be seen.   Our divine calling is to worry less about having all the answers and instead join our children, praising God in the same way the psalmist did so long ago saying, "For You are great and do wondrous deeds; You alone are God.” (Psalm 86:10).

This week, try to incite some wonder into the lives of your kids, and embrace the wonder of God in your heart.  I promise the world will be a much more beautiful place when you do.