The Secret to Re-Setting a Disconnected Family

By:  Laura Wise

Today’s family often describe themselves as too busy, stressed out, tired, unappreciated, frazzled, overscheduled, overwhelmed, overworked, disconnected, disrespected and even lonely. I don’t know about you but I can relate to all of those at some point in my life growing up and it is heartbreaking to hear these things, especially from kids and teens. So what if there was something we could do that was proven to help us all feel more connected, less stressed, more loved and actually grow closer as a family or even friends.

The secret really isn’t a secret at all. For centuries families and friends have been sitting down together to eat and reconnect; there is something so intimate and special about sharing a meal with someone. Not to mention that Jesus models this with friends and family over and over again throughout the Bible for countless discussions and unforgettable conversations. So maybe it is time we to bring back family dinners, where the whole family gathers to connect with each other and see if it will transform your family.

A blog I follow called, "Families on a Mission" designs plans specifically for families to engage younger kids at dinner with questions.  Here are some of the comments made after their "40 Day What’s for Dinner Challenge"…

•    “We love the outcome of a new routine that is truly improving our family life….”
•    “Seeing my 6-yr old light up has been amazing as we’d be reconnecting each time.”
•    “It took us out of our comfort zone and made us challenge ourselves to be more intentional with each meal and to be silly in different ways.”
•    “I love hearing my kids’ thoughts, hearts, and dreams.”
•    “We have noticed that our conversations are continuing throughout the day and we are excited to hear what’s new each night.”

Experts say that eating dinner five times a week as a family is the best way to see the most change and impact, but studies have also shown that committing to two or three nights a week can still completely change your family dynamic. And it doesn’t even have to be at home, you can do this at a restaurant! No matter where you are, the main idea remains the same-sitting together as a family where your focus is on each other as you’re eating.

It is during those times where your relationships begin to matter more than your busy schedules or the media crazed world we live in. Now, to do this well, you cannot be one of those families who sit around the table together but are focused on your gadgets, individual screens, or even televisions. The purpose is to intentionally set aside time to focus on each other no matter how good you are at multitasking. This does not work without everyone committing to the process. These family dinners should allow you to reconnect with each other and decompress from your day. We suggest laughing together and sharing stories to find out what is going on in each other's lives. Eye contact matters too and is often a sign of respect. So we also suggest looking at each other when you are talking to each other and looking at each other when you are listening to each other.  And finally, if you take time to pray before meals together as a family you add a whole new level of intimacy and importance to the family dinner.

At the very least, family dinners could help teach our kids the importance of personal connections and socialization with other people. Remember that kids are learning to live based on what they see not just what they hear. Kids are learning how to be good siblings, how to be good friends, even how to be good parents from watching you and talking to you.

Parent Coach

by:  Devin Dummel

Every week for nearly the past seven years I have prayed the same prayer.  It’s a prayer I imagine I will pray every week of my life.  “Jesus, please don’t let me screw up my kids.”  It’s not eloquent but it is an honest prayer.  It’s one of the greatest fears of my life.  Because I am at times consumed by this idea, I spend extra energy each week, thinking about and strategizing how I try to parent.

I don’t know if you pray a similar prayer or have similar fears, but I don’t think I am alone in trying to navigate how to be a parent and raise children well.  I believe most parents spend considerable energy trying to figure out the best way to raise their children.  We’ve all seen many different styles and strategies, but the ones that stick out to us are often the extremes.  I think when we don’t know what to do we react in the extremes. 

We have all seen parents who are desperate to control their children, trying to manufacture the future of their dreams.  Their commanding ways are well-intentioned, but their children often feel oppressed, trapped, and overwhelmed with trying to meet the high demand.   The other extreme is no better; parents who don’t know what to do – so they don’t do anything.  These parents appear to be afraid or allergic to any amount of control, so they cower any time their child demonstrates a strong-will. 

These parenting extremes seem like completely different in every way, but what they have in common is tragic.  Neither strategy helps the child learn how to live the best possible life.  Both of these strategies miss the design that God intended for parents to have in helping their children navigate life.  Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way they should go; and when they are older they will not depart from it.” Built into God's design for parenting isn't a role for a commander, and there is no room for cowards.  But God's design calls for parents who are willing to be coaches.

Let’s be honest; being a parent is the hardest job in the world.  So it’s understandable that we often go to the extremes.  But God has given us the role of coach in the lives of our children.  Like a coach, we must demonstrate our love for our “players”.  We have to give them instruction and train them.  We have to get them ready for the game.

Then we have to let them play.  We have to let them stumble and fall.  We have to let them learn some hard lessons.   We even have to let them lose.  Then we have to gather around them again and remind them of their training.  We must correct them and give them all that they need to succeed.  This is the role of a parent – not to command, not to cower, but to coach.

When we understand this coaching role, we don’t have to be scared about “screwing them up”.  Instead, we can be confident that we have done our best to get them ready for life, and know that when they need additional instruction, when they are looking for a game plan, that one of the first places that will turn to will likely be you – their coach – because you have always been there to love, instruct, and correct them when they needed it most.

Busy is a Four Letter Word

By Devin Dummel

There was a time not that long ago that when I was asked how things were going my typical response was “Good, we’ve been busy.”  I started to hear myself say that phrase over and over again, so much so, that I started to wonder if being busy was really that great of a thing at all.  Being a family of four we have always kept ourselves busy.  There’s always more to do: more sports, more projects more experiences and events.

But recently I've decided that I don't really like the word busy anymore.  In fact, I've decided, at least for myself, that busy is a four letter word, and it's going on the list of all the other "four letter words" that I shouldn't be saying.

If your family is like mine, then you understand the drive behind busy.  You can empathize with the crazy that is attached to the chaos.  You connected with that feeling when you finally are able to keep up your feet, relax and breathe just for a minute.  I don’t know what it is that drives us toward busy.  But I think our culture might be one of the culprits.  We live in a culture that always values being preoccupied with something.

But have you ever wondered what all this being busy costs us?  The reality is that while we are staying busy we are missing out on something else.  Every activity and every choice has a cost.  When we choose one thing we naturally miss out on other things.  So the question for us has to be are we spending our time and energy on the right things?

"Busy" becomes the environment that hinders us from evaluating if we are making the right choices and spending our resources as a family well.  Busy doesn't allow us to think or to course correct when things are getting off track.  Busy sends us into a freefall where we miss the things that matter most while doing things we want the most.

If busy is a four letter word, how do we begin to remove it from our day-to-day vocabulary?

Lamentations 3:25 says,

“The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.”

If we want to make sure we are spending our time, energy and effort in all the right places, it would be wise to make space to slow down and discover how God says we should spend our time.  When you think about it, slowing down and saying no might be one of the most spiritual things we can do in life.

When we decide that we no longer need to stay “busy” but instead want to be obedient we will begin to spend our lives on the things that matter – not just in the moment but into eternity.

Jesus once taught about the importance to count the cost before choosing to follow Him.  We must do the same when it comes to our family and our hectic lifestyle.  We must count the cost and decide if what we stand to gain is worth what we could possibly lose.

The truth is some things are just more valuable than others.  We should never lose what matters most because we were unwilling to take the time to count the cost.