Things Every Child Should Hear: I'm Sorry

By Leah Dummel

I have worked almost exclusively in some sort of customer service position my entire adult life. When working in customer service, as we all know, one must learn the art of the apology; and as you can imagine, since I have been working with people for the past 10 plus years, I have truly mastered it. Honestly, in recent jobs, I found myself apologizing to strangers 10-25 times a day (I counted once; it was 30 times in one 8 hour day).

The more I was apologizing the easier it got, and the less genuine it became. I didn’t know these people from Adam but I had no problem humbling myself, eating a little crow, and pulling out the most pitiful “I’m sorries” all the day long. But, interestingly enough, it’s not so easy to look into the eyes of my two small children and apologize for losing my ever loving mind over that one extra bath-time splash that completely sent me over the edge (you know, because I asked them not to splash 100 times before that?). But that detail is neither here nor there.

As a “young(er)” parent raising up children in this generation I strongly feel that teaching our children how to apologize is incredibly important. Humbling ourselves, acknowledging our mistakes, apologizing for the pain we have caused, and asking for forgiveness is a life skill that sadly MANY adults have no idea how to execute. 

Although, I don’t think these adults are all to blame. I wonder sometimes, if adults, who can’t find it in themselves to apologize, had parents who never apologized to them and therefore they never learned how and why it is so important.

We can sit and talk to our children until we are blue in the face about how important being humble and apologizing is. However, children learn from our example, they learn from our leadership, they learn from watching us, their parents. And they desperately need to hear us say “I’m sorry” to them when we are wrong. Because guys, we are wrong a lot! I joke with a friend of mine that if my boys learn anything from me; it will be how to apologize! I find myself apologizing to my boys at least once a day, and that’s on a good day!

Our children need to hear us tell them we are sorry, “I’m sorry for screaming at you over spilled milk. I’m sorry I missed your ballgame, again. I’m sorry I hurt you with my knee jerk reaction to your behavior. I’m sorry we haven’t spent a lot of time together lately, this season of life is hard”. They need to know that we acknowledge our mistakes. We acknowledge the pain we have caused, that we accept responsibility and are trying to correct the situation and salvage the relationship. 

1 Corinthians 13:4 says that love is not proud. We love our children and we are desperately trying to teach them to love others tangibly. I have found that an honest and sincere apology and effort to reconcile is one of the most tangible ways we can love others.

Sometimes we as parents are leery to apologize to our children because we are afraid it will show weakness. We are worried it will challenge our authority and that they will no longer respect us. Some days I wrestle with thoughts like, “Man I shouldn’t’ have lost my temper like that I should apologize, they didn’t deserve that. But wait, their behavior was bad so if I say sorry then that will over power the lesson they need to learn regarding this specific behavior”. 

Friends, I promise, God has our back on this one too! 1 Peter 5:5 talks about young men accepting the authority of the elders, BUT the elders must serve each other in humility! Just because we have authority over our children and we are there to teach and shepherd and lead them, doesn’t’ mean we don’t apologize and ask for forgiveness if we are out of line. What sort of example would that set if we didn’t? Our children will grow up thinking they are never wrong and that apologizing and owning their mistakes and taking steps to mend a hurt relationship are not worthwhile qualities for adulthood. YIKES!

One of my husband and I’s favorite folk artists is Derek Webb. He wrote and recorded a beautiful song entitled, “I was Wrong, I’m Sorry, and I Love You”. <<< THIS IS SO IMPORTANT! I love this. I feel like it may end up hanging in our home someday because these 3 phrases, when genuine, are EVERYTHING our children need us to say. Sometimes it’s appropriate to go into great detail in our apologies, explaining exactly what made us explode and how we are wired and all the outside distractions, etc. But sometimes the words I was wrong, I’m sorry, and I love you, are all our children need to hear from us to fully understand and grasp the gravity and importance and beauty of humbling ourselves, writing the wrong, asking forgiveness, and moving forward. 

Things Every Child Should Hear: I am Proud of You

by Desi Ash

I have always had high expectations. As a kid, I was expected to be ladylike, tidy, have straight A’s, be a good athlete, and to always make the right decision. Looking back on these expectations, some of them are hard to achieve or next to impossible. I didn’t always get straight A’s, I loved having a messy room, and I know that I didn’t always make the right decision. These expectations set such high standards for me that when I didn’t accomplish them I was upset and felt like a failure, regardless of the situation.

When was the last time you thought to yourself, “man, I’m proud of …” Due to the high expectations I set for myself, I hardly ever feel proud. Expectations are good, but they can also have a negative effect.

Think for a moment the expectations you have for your kids. Do you expect them to behave in public, be the star athlete on the team, get good grades, do chores, and not grow up too fast? What happens when your kids don’t meet those expectations? Are they grounded, lectured, or have to spend hours getting better?

While there is nothing wrong with having high expectations or expecting the best from your kids, there is one important phrase that needs to accompany those expectations. That phrase is “I’m proud of you”.

There will be times when kids don’t meet the expectations we set for them. Regardless of their achievement, kids need to know that they make us proud.

·      If you’re working on potty training and for three days straight your kid goes without an accident, celebrate those three days, not the accident.

·      If your teenager has worked really hard to raise their math grade from a D to a B, celebrate when their grade is a C.

·      If your teenager is struggling with making the right decision and fitting in with friends, celebrate right decisions and their unique personality.

It can be easy to get caught up in the negative and the unmet expectations. It is in these moments that kids need to know that it’s okay.

There’s nothing wrong with being proud of your children for what they’ve achieved. But they need to know that you’ll still be proud of them, even if they don’t achieve anything impressive.

Being proud is a good thing that can quickly become a negative thing. This is probably why the Bible has a lot to say about being proud; mostly dealing with the negative side. Proverbs 16:18 says Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. James tells us that God opposes the proud (4:6). 

When we don’t share the phrase “I’m proud of you” with our kids, they will begin to question their self-worth, their confidence, and their individuality.

Some ways to help share with your kid how proud of them you are:

• ·        Be proud of the process, not the outcome
• ·        Be proud of the obstacles they had to overcome
• ·        Share your praise when something happens, not hours or days later
• ·        Focus on one kid at a time - avoid comparison
• Stay Positive 

Things Every Child Needs to Hear: I Love You

by Whitney Jones

Over the summer we will be sharing about 7 things every child needs to hear.  No matter their age, their gender or their personality type each and every child needs to hear these seven key things.  The first one is “I love you.”

Let’s think about love for just minute. Love has the power to change lives in amazing ways. It causes grown men to buy flowers for their wives. It causes women to give up the remote during NBA Finals. It causes parents to get up at 2am to rock a crying baby back to sleep. Love changes everything.

As parents we should be telling our kids and showing our kids how much we love them every day. If we are telling our kids and showing our kids love every day it begins to change who they are, what they know, and who they become.

Loving our children tells them they are valuable. When children know they are loved because of who God made them to be, they begin to realize the true value of their lives.

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” -Genesis 1:27

As parents, if we start accepting who our children are and tell them every day how awesome they are they will see value in their lives. They will start seeing the gifts that God has given them and use them for His good.

Loving our children makes them part of something bigger than themselves. To be loved is to be accepted as part of something bigger than ourselves. A child who is loved has an identity in something greater than their own personal world.

Loving our children gives them time to grow in life. Love is patient. Love bears through the good and the bad. It grants children time to gain understanding.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”

-  1 Corinthians 13:4

Showing our children its ok to mess up sometimes and make mistakes is an important way to show them love.

Loving our children provides motivation to love others like Jesus loves. When our lives have been changed by love and we know where that love comes from, we are more likely to extend that love to others.

Loving our children will always remain; Love preservers, stays true, and never fades. It always remains. If you love your child now, they will be able to carry that love with them forever.

“Three things will last forever- faith, hope, and love-and the greatest of these is love.”

-  1 Corinthians 13:13

Love is more than saying “I love you” with a kiss before bed. It’s every day interaction with your child. It’s showing up at every baseball game to be their biggest fan. It’s staying up late to help your teenager finish their science project. It’s praying over your little baby because she has a runny nose. It’s kissing a skinned knee that they hurt on the playground. Love changes everything.