Managing Blessings: The Phillips

by Whitney Jones

This month we have been featuring stories of people in our church, just like you and me, who have faced difficult situations and how their relationship with God helped them find the blessings along the way. Their stories aren’t easy but they were able to trust God along the way and give their fears over to him.

This week’s post features Darren and Ali Phillips, a family that had to adjust to the challenges of being a blended family:

Q: For those who may not know, can you briefly share what your family went through?

We are a blended family.  Nearly six years ago I met my now husband, Darren of almost 3 years.  Neither one of us were looking to start a relationship at the time.  He was focusing on his new life adjusting to being a single dad due to divorce.  I was settling in to my recent move back to Indiana.  We were both invited to the same birthday party (both of us almost did not go).  It was there that we met.  By the end of the night I had learned his story.  That was the beginning of our life together.  Two years later we were married.

Q:  What were some of your greatest fears at the time?

Our greatest fears at the time were the children.  It was very important to both of us for me to not meet them, until we were both serious enough to see marriage in our future.  That being said I met the children seven months later.  We continued to fear how the children would adjust to what would soon be their new life.  It certainly had its ups and downs. 

Q: What were your biggest prayers?

My personal biggest prayer over time was forgiveness.  Darren and I had a difficult time forgiving the kiddos' mother, for leaving.  By the time I was introduced he had forgiven her.  I have a VERY difficult time forgiving others who have hurt my family.  You can hurt me all you want, but when it comes to my family it's a whole different animal.  I could see the hurt that she had caused in the children by choosing to leave the marriage, and I couldn't fix it.  I felt so blessed to be a part of this new family, but yet so angry that they were hurting. 

Over time I heard several sermons on forgiveness.  I knew God was talking to me, but quite frankly I didn't want to forgive her.  Over time God kept on talking to me through multiple sermons on forgiveness.  He was working on me, I reluctantly started to ask God to help me forgive.  Gradually the prayers became easier.  After several months I began to forgive her and now I am happy to say that God has completely placed full forgiveness for the kiddos' mom in my heart.

Q:  They say hindsight is 20/20 - looking back where do you see that God was working during this difficult time?

God was definitely working to bring our family closer together to be able to work together as a unit.  All parents must communicate and work together on a regular basis to raise children, even if they do not live in the same home.  We communicate nearly daily (via group text messaging) so that we are all aware of what's going on with the children and we are all on the same page. 

Children naturally try to play parents against each other.  When the parents live in different homes it's even easier to do, unless the parents communicate more than the children.  We of course give our kids the benefit of the doubt and believe them.  However, if we are curious about what's going on in something they are telling us that happened at the other house we mention it to the other household parent(s) and ask if everything was understood correctly.  This has been so helpful in raising the kids.  They sometimes wonder how we know things.

 Q:  If there is something you could say to anyone going through a similar situation, what would you want them to know?

Pray, forgive, communicate, & repeat.  With these tools it will get better.  It won't always be easy as parenting never is, but it will certainly be very helpful.  I am now happy to say that the relationship between all of us parents has grown by leaps and bounds.  Our priorities are the children.  We all want what's best for them.  We no longer see the other home as the "other team" we are all on the same team.  As a step-parent, it can be very difficult.  I believe that it is also difficult as a biological parent, but it is different for us "steppers".  It's sometimes hard to talk about it with people who aren't going through similar situations. Always go to God and remember, we may think we know what message we need to hear, but He may be giving us a different message.

  

Forgiving, especially when it’s hard, is a great way to cultivate a heart of thanksgiving. Every time I don’t want to forgive, I think about how God has forgiven me of so many sins in the past. When I reflect on that I can’t help but feel thankful for the grace that I have been given. And when I realize the importance of that it becomes easier for me to forgive others.

Psalm 28:7: The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. (NLT)

Keeping your focus on God helps you learn to let go of bitterness and unforgiveness. Be sure to take time to hold on to your joy. When the hard times beat down on us, Satan often uses those moments to steal our joy. Don’t let him have that satisfaction!

I have learned that I can find joy in any circumstance if I have the right focus. Keep your eyes on God and do not become overwhelmed by things that are out of your control. Trust that God is always with you in every situation. 

Managing Blessings - The DeShongs

by Devin Dummel

“That’s not fair!” was one of the phrases I often repeated as a child.  It was stated in regards to chores, which toys I was able to play, and when it was time to turn off the television and head to bed.

If I said it once I probably said it a thousand times.  Each time I would claim that life wasn’t fair.  My mother reminded me quickly and unequivocally that “Life is not fair.”  As a child I hated her response to my complaints, but as an adult I am thankful for my mother being consistent in revealing how the world often works.

Many times life is just not fair.  And the “not fair” parts of life don’t discriminate.  It doesn’t matter who you are, where you come from, or how much potential you have.  Far too often things that are beyond our control can strike and raise havoc in our lives.  The only question is how will you respond when tragedy strikes?  How will you react when life is not fair?

In today’s post, Lucas DeShong – a father of two, a dedicated husband, and loving son – shares with us what it was like for him as he and his family dealt with unexpected tragedy.

Q:  For those who  may not know, can you briefly share what your family went through.

In July of 2016 my mother was diagnosed with glioblastoma, an acute form of brain cancer. The surgeon removed about 80% of it but informed us she only had 6 months to a year with treatment. My father and mother prayerfully considered radiation and chemotherapy but ultimately decided against it.

Over the next few months the cancer progressed rapidly. In a very short time she lost usage of her left hand followed by much of the left side of her body. Shortly after she could no longer walk or even stand on her own. She relied on my father, aunt and sisters for even normal day to day functions. On November 29, 2016 my mother passed away at the age of 58. 

Q:  What were some of your greatest fears at the time?

My initial fear was that I would lose my mother and that she wouldn't be there to watch my 2 kids grow up. I quickly came to terms with that fear becoming a reality. I don't recall any other fears, only sadness and anger. 

Q:  What were your biggest prayers?

Prayers of healing. For my Mom, then for my family and me. I had not experienced a loss this personal before nor had much of my immediate family. After she passed, I had to learn how to mourn and grieve. I also learned that others don't grieve the same way I do and that there is no wrong way to do it.

I prayed that my anger didn't extend to others because they did not grieve the same way as me. I also prayed on many occasions that my sisters would be able to grieve in their own way free from ridicule or judgement. Now I pray that we carry on my mother's legacy in a way that she would be proud. 

Q:  They say hindsight is 20/20 – looking back where do you see that God was working during this difficult time?

I personally felt God's presence throughout the entire 4 month battle. Even through the sadness there was comfort. Each time I thought "this is too hard" there would be a new way to cope or a new person to talk to that would get me through the valley.

We saw God in the many people who were there to support us through messages, gifts and prayer. We even saw God "in the framework". To explain in brevity, my Dad built our house when I was just a boy. After the door opening had been framed and headers had been set he realized all the doors were the wrong width. This seemed to be a costly and labor intensive mistake at the time that shook my father's pride as a well-respected carpenter. 25 years later, as my mother's wheelchair narrowly slid through the wider than planned doorway, we felt God smiling down on us. He was looking out for us then just as he looks out for us now. 

Q:  If there was something you could say to anyone going through a similar situation, what would you want them to know?

3 things I would want them to know:

1. Even if you can't see it now, God is right there with you. He loves you. He never leaves you. 

2. Find someone to talk to who is at least slightly disconnected from the situation. I spoke with a professional who helped me identify and understand the grieving process and it helped me immensely. 

3. There is no right or wrong way to mourn or to grieve. Grieve in your own way and let others grieve in theirs. Do not judge them for not grieving the same way or for the same amount of time as you. 

Isn’t it amazing how years decades earlier, God had already been providing for the DeShong family.  The image of the “imperfect doorway” is a powerful one for those of us who believe in a God who is so much larger than tragedy.

It is true that like can be so unfair.  But we are not in it alone.  We have a God who has experienced what we experience, and who knows what it’s like to be where we have been.

Hebrews 4:15 says, “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet he did not sin.”

Lucas reminds us that when life is unfair it’s okay to be angry.  It’s appropriate to grieve, and to do so in the best way for you.  But remember you have a God who empathizes with you.  He cares for you and even will soften the blow – reminding you of His presence in the most difficult of times, so that even when we are in the throes of tragedy we are still managing blessings.

Managing Blessings: The Surbers

by Leah Dummel

“We Can Do Hard Things”.

I read the previous statement on a blog that I regularly follow a few years ago. It is so simple, yet so profound. This declarative sentence has become a staple in our house, in our ministry, with our children, and with our marriage.

Life is hard, but we can do hard things.

I almost view it as a prophesy over our family because it is inevitable that life with throw some really hard things at us. Sometimes the hard thing may be surviving the bedtime tantrums from our 2 year old, or surviving the attitude our 5 year old brings home from Kindergarten. But in the future it may be surviving some sort of family trauma, or job loss, or death of a close friend or parent.

We don’t know what life will bring, but living in an attitude of confidence that we can do hard things alongside the God of the Universe can bring some comfort knowing those hard circumstances will come eventually.

This month on the blog we are featuring stories, hard stories, of some of our own. We are talking about HARD things members of our church family have been through in their lives and how their faith and friendship with God helped them find the blessings along the way.

This post features Jared and Chrissy Surber whose adoption journey surrounding their son, Hudson, had many bumps and difficulties along the way:

Q: For those who may not know, can you briefly share what your family went through?

Chrissy and I had tried for 9 years to get pregnant. In March of 2009 we decided to give it to God and for us to get out of the way.  A few years later we started attending classes to be foster parents. We were almost through the classes when God called us to adopt a little boy in China who has eye cancer. We accepted the call in May of 2013 and picked our son up in China in January of 2015.


Q:  What were some of your greatest fears at the time?

At the beginning, we were scared about having enough money to adopt. We knew we were doing what God wanted but wasn't sure where the funds would come from.

Another fear was for the health of this little boy. Cancer is scary. His eye was removed after we accepted the call to adopt him while he was still in China and that was hard. Was he ok?  Is he getting loved on? He was already our son but we couldn't be there for him. 

Chrissy and I had been married for thirteen years so it had just us for so long; we were fearful of how life would change and if we could adapt to a 3rd person in the mix.



Q:  What were your biggest prayers?

At first it was all about raising funds. Our faith was strong but it's tough to give God a 26,000 dollar bill. But we prayed and he always provided bigger than expected each time money was due. 

We constantly prayed for Hudson's health. We knew his infected eye was removed but didn't know if he was cancer free until he came home and had further testing. 

We prayed for strength. The paperwork was overwhelming and never-ending. There were days we wanted to quit because all the paperwork. We would get some done and turn it in and take deep breath then bam!!  More paperwork. We would pray for God to help us do one paper at a time and not look at the whole stack or the whole agenda.  We just took it one step at a time.

Q:  They say hindsight is 20/20 - looking back where do you see that God was working during this difficult time?

God truly can move mountains. If He can give us this little boy and get us through all that then he can do anything just like He says. All the little things seem so small now and we are so quick to ask God for help because we saw what He did.
 

There were so many God moments when we would feel the Holy Spirit and it would always seem to happen right when we needed it most.


Q:  If there is something you could say to anyone going through a similar situation, what would you want them to know?

If it's God's will...it's God's bill!

Give it to God. Like really lay it at His feet. Give it to Him. 

Constantly pray for His hand - for Him to help you during the tough days and make sure to praise Him on the good days. 

Take baby steps. You can't look or worry at the whole agenda. Look at one thing at a time. Knock it out. Share some high-fives. And move to the next one.   Make sure you celebrate the small wins. 

What a powerful story of God’s grace and providence during an extremely challenging time

2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.”

You see, we can’t do hard things alone. We have to call upon the God of the Universe to lead, guide, protect, comfort, heal, and provide along the way. And when we do, He provides so much more. And those are the blessings.

Sometimes the blessings are the people who bring the meals, the friends who do your laundry while you cry, or the cards in the mail with the encouraging words.  The blessings are the new relationships you form with people who have faced or are facing the same challenges as you. And the blessing list goes on and on, if we just keep looking.

Managing Blessings: The McClains

There is a quote in my office that I keep directly across from my field view, making sure I can see it every day.

“Regardless of the stress I’m under, most days I’m managing blessings.” – Lysa Terkeurst

The reason it’s there is to help me keep things in perspective.  It’s all too easy to get caught up in the day to day “struggles” and forget that even in our hardest of times we are truly blessed.

As we enter into a season in our culture where the large majority of us will find some time to slow our minds and consider the things we are thankful for – we thought it would be a great idea to share some stories.

These stories are of people just like you and me who have found themselves in difficult situations and yet still have been able to find God in the midst of them.  Because of that, they have been able to recognize the blessings and remain thankful for them.

This post’s story is shared by Andrea McClain, a mother of four, whose family faced some incredible medical challenges:

Q:  For those who may not know, can you briefly share what your family went through. 

Our daughter, Kestin, was born with a Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (CDH).  This is a condition where there is a hole in the diaphragm.  This allows the organs in the abdomen to float up to the lung area, preventing the lungs from fully developing.

We knew all of this before she was born so the doctors gave her only a 50/50 chance to survive.  After she was born, it was the worst case scenario – she had almost no diaphragm at all.  Honestly, medically speaking, she shouldn’t have lived.

She just kept fighting though.  She was put on a heart/lung bypass machine for a while and had multiple surgeries.  She literally fought for her life for several months.

She was born in January and when she was finally ready to come home 7 months later, she came with a ventilator, trach, g-tube/feeding tube, and required 24-hour monitoring.  We had nurses in our house almost every day, 24-hours a day. 

She had many more surgeries along the way.  We had to go to Children’s Hospital Boston for a couple of surgeries that none of the local children’s hospitals were capable of doing.   

We had many scares along the way but for the most part she continued to improve.  By the time she was 5 years old she’d gotten strong enough to get rid of most of her medical equipment. 

Q:  What were some of your greatest fears at the time?

Where do you want us start?  Of course our biggest fear was that Kestin would die.   We also worried about the other 3 kids at home not getting enough attention.  When Kestin was born, Kerrigan was 4 and the twins, Cannon & Caden, were both 2.   

Statistics show that the divorce rate is really high with families that go through huge tragedies like this too.  We didn’t know that at the time.  We totally understand it though.  Luckily Rick and I were able to work together as partners. 

Of course we also had the financial worries too.  Kestin was a multi-million dollar baby.  Even with insurance, we paid medical bills for her for many, many years.

  

Q:  What were your biggest prayers?

We would pray that she would live and she would make it through every surgery.  We prayed for our other kids and for all of the other worries mentioned above. 

We had so much support from PCC.  Every time there was an emergency and things looked grim, people would show up to pray with us.  Jim Blackwell visited us almost every day.  We had people helping us with the younger kids and fixing meals.  We were like a mission trip right here in Pendleton.   

We prayed all the time.  Everybody was praying for us.  Even people who didn’t know us were praying for us.  By chance, we have met some of those people and they are shocked when they realize we were the family that they had prayed for years ago.  They are even more shocked to see that Kestin is a perfectly normal teenager!

Q:  They say hindsight is 20/20 – looking back where do you see that God was working during this difficult time?

We were never alone.  Even if nobody was around, we knew God was there.  It’s hard to explain but all we can say is that we literally felt His presence.  We felt it in our bodies and our minds and we could see it in the things that were happening around us. 

We still worried that Kestin might not live but we felt a calmness and comfort because we knew that whatever happened, it was what was supposed to happen.  It sounds weird saying that now, but it is true. 

There are many stories we could tell of times when there was no way that things happened coincidentally or no way that it was just luck that Kestin had defied all medical odds AGAIN.  It wasn’t just once.  It happened over and over.  The only explanation was that God was there.  She is truly a miracle.

Q:  If there was something you could say to anyone going through a similar situation, what would you want them to know?

It is so hard to let go.  It’s so hard to let people do things for you and it’s even harder to leave the situation in God’s hands.  We want to be in control but sometimes we can’t be.  The only way to get through it with peace and sanity was to let it be God’s will. 

There was a time when the doctor’s said there was nothing more they could do for Kestin.  That’s when we really knew that none of us was ever really in control. Even the doctors had never really been in control.  It was all in God’s hands the whole time.  We just needed to trust in Him.  Once you do that, you will be at peace with whatever happens. 

The prophet Isaiah shared these words from God to his people.  I believe that God also says them to us in the middle of our toughest challenges and hardships:

Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)

Remember, no matter what you are going through, God is walking alongside you.  He has given you so many people to help you through a difficult time – to meet your physical needs as well as your emotional and spiritual needs.  You are not alone and you have so much to be thankful for. 

Regardless of the situation, you have a God who will walk through it all with you and that is something to celebrate and be thankful for.  Amen.