One of the things I hear most often from parents is
that they feel like their teenagers don’t like them anymore. They don’t feel needed, listened to, or
respected.
Many parents feel marginalized
and disconnected during their child’s teenage years.
My first word of advice is to remind parents that
they are not alone. Most if not all
parents go through this type of phase with their child. It’s probably something you don’t want to
hear but it’s a very natural thing for your son or daughter to pull away from
you at this phase of their life.
They are seeking independence and that is part of
God’s plan for helping them become fully functioning adults. In order to live on their own, they must separate
from you. But while they try to
disconnect from you I want to remind you of a few things to help you stay
connected with them without pushing them away in the process.
1. Remember they do love you.
Just
because a teenager doesn’t say, “I love you” as much as they used to doesn’t
mean he or she don’t love his or her parents anymore. They just don’t want to say
it at school, in front of their peers, or when you drop them off in front of a
friend’s home.
2. Keep the end in mind.
Don’t
focus on the disconnection, instead keep in mind that one-day, it’s likely you
will have a loving friendship with them. Until then, Mom and Dad, resist the
temptation to be one of their peers. Yes, peers are a primary influence right
now—and you may want to be a part of your teen’s “inner-circle.” You definitely
need to know who these friends are. But you can’t be one of them no matter how
much you try.
3. Being a Parent is a Calling
Don’t
forget that your job as a parent is a calling – so treat your kids as gifts
from God.
This
will help you through the lonely days when it seems like your teenager really
doesn’t care about you anymore. He or she will eventually get over it. Remember
what it was like to be teenager. Keep this in mind and give your child a
healthy amount of space when appropriate.
4. Do the little things
In
order to stay connected do the little things —even when these seem like they
don’t matter to your teenager. Don’t underestimate the positive message you are
sending your kids by watching all those sports games, or the hundreds of other
ways you are present in their lives. Kids who grow up believing and knowing
that their parents will always be there for them can face anything.
5. Rely on other adults
Find
other adults who your son or daughter connect with (remember they are trying to
gain their independence) and rely on them to help steer your child in the right
direction. You’ve likely head the adage “It
takes a village to raise a child” – and it’s true. You will need other voices that your son or
daughter will hear to be your voice in their lives.
This
is why we believe in relational ministry.
We think the church is a great way to help your son or daughter form
healthy relationships with adults who care about them and who will point them
in the right direction.
This
phase of life can be a challenging one.
There is nothing a parent wants more than to connect with their
child. If you start learning to connect
in these ways, we think you will truly be able to connect with your child for
the long haul.
