What Was My Kid Thinking?

By Jim Burns

If you’ve never said it out loud, I’m sure you’ve at least thought it: “What was my kid thinking?”  It’s a common question for many parents who live with adolescents in their homes. Typically, the question comes in response to some puzzling or irresponsible action on the part of the teenager. You can partially blame this on the teen brain. Honestly. Blame the brain. If your teenager has at times made really poor choices, it is partly because the brain won’t fully develop until your son or daughter hits their mid-twenties.

On the outside, teens appear to be nearly grown up. But a vital part of the teen brain that plays critical roles in assessing risks, understanding consequences, and decision-making functions more like a child than an adult. The prefrontal cortex is partly responsible for self-control, judgment, emotional regulation, organization, and event planning. But just like everything else about teenagers, their brains are works in progress.

Your teen’s brain is in the process of rewiring itself. It’s busy weeding out unneeded connections so that it can operate efficiently and maturely. Further, while the parts of the brain responsible for sensation seeking are getting turned on in big ways, the prefrontal cortex lags behind in maturity.  Talk about bad timing! This means that the teen brain appears to be wired for risk-taking!  Knowing what’s going on in the teen brain can lead some parents to shelter their kids and pull back from allowing their kids to make decisions, fearing the potentially life-altering consequences of making poor decisions. Believe me, I understand the impulse, as teen brain science isn’t particularly comforting to parents.

But here’s a part of the brain science that helps me move beyond the fear: Kids must have opportunities to exercise their brains and make decisions so that the parts of the prefrontal cortex that regulate judgment, self-control, and assess risk and consequences can mature to adulthood!

So I vote for helping your teen’s brain to mature now by allowing him or her to make age-appropriate decisions while you can still provide encouragement, coaching, and a measure of safety. Your teen is going to make some poor choices along the way, and you may still wonder, “What was my kid thinking?” But at least now you’ll have some clues.

The "Not My Kid" Syndrome

By Jim Liebelt

It seems that whether the issue is drugs, alcohol, bullying, risky driving, media consumption, or sex, studies show that parents consistently underestimate their own kids interest or participation in these behaviors. What drives the NMK Syndrome ("Not My Kid") held by so many parents? There are several primary factors at play:

1) Some parents have a hard time moving past viewing their kids as innocent children.

Parents invest years in protecting their kids, controlling and monitoring activities, and trying to instill values.They want to believe that they've done a good job at parenting - and many have! They have a hard time coming to terms with their kids leaving childhood behind and starting to experience new levels of adult-like engagement with the world.

2) Kids mature differently.

Because there is no normal when it comes to adolescent development; no fixed template that all kids follow on the pathway to adulthood, parents aren't always aware of when adolescent changes are taking place. The development process, unique to each adolescent, can make it easier for parents to believe that their kid isn't "there yet" when it comes to typical adolescent interests and behaviors.

3) Not all kids engage in at-risk behaviors.

The simple fact is that not every teen has sex, drinks alcohol, takes drugs, views porn, drives like a maniac, and texts 100 times a day. These facts make it easy for parents to make a simple assumption that their kids are in the "NMK" category, whether they are or not. But in reality, while not all kids engage in at-risk behaviors, all kids think about them and are susceptible to temptations and peer pressure.

4) Parents are uncomfortable talking about tough issues.

Most parent don't relish discussions with their teenagers on tough issues like dealing with peer pressure, sexuality, or drugs and alcohol. The hesitance to talk about these topics make it easier for parents to rationalize that their kids aren't ready or interested in these issues.

Rather than being a "NMK" parent, the wise course of action is to prepare kids for the process of adolescence and the pressures, challenges, and temptations that accompany it. Talking to kids about these issues in an atmosphere of acceptance and openness will help kids face challenges when they arise. But parents who live this season of life with a "Not My Kid" attitude actually put their kids at greater risk of being hurt along the way.