What Does a Healthy Parent Look Like?

(by Jim Burns)

A mom told me she has a recurring dream that her child is falling off a cliff, just out of her reach. The dream isn't necessarily unhealthy, but it may indicate how much average parents worry about saving their kids from the world's problems. Parenting styles differ, but far too many parents of teens are emotionally and even spiritually unhealthy.

“Helicopter parenting” is popular these days, and the term is used to describe parents who are risking their own marriage, physical health, and self-image by hovering over their children and over-parenting them.

However, the truth is that no teen will become a responsible adult if their parents carry the load for them. It's not healthy for either party.

So what do healthy parents of teens look like? These parents take their God-given role of parenting seriously and act like leaders. Leaders lead the way, but they don't carry another’s baggage.  

Parents-as-leaders teach their children self-management skills. They consult but don't control, because control freaks are really never in control. They help children learn to discern right values and teach them about sexual purity. Parents who act like leaders also create inviting home environments with plenty of connection, fun, and creativity. 

One important aspect of parent-leadership is making sure you have margin in your life so that you’ll have enough energy to lead. If that sounds selfish or self-centered, the reality is that parents need to take care of themselves. 

We parents must allow our children to deal with the consequences of their own decisions. Someone once told me, "Untended fires soon become nothing but a pile of ashes." I know if I am not tending my own soul care, I am a poor excuse of a father, and a lousy husband. 

A child-focused lifestyle simply isn't healthy, and frankly, it's not fair to the kids if you expect to be a healthy role model. Parents have to stay calm, get on the same page to work their plan, and then stay as emotionally and spiritually healthy as they possibly can.

Is Halloween a Trick or a Treat?

(by Jim Liebelt)

The question, "Should parents allow their kids to participate in Halloween activities or not?" is a noble one that reflects the wide and varied beliefs held by those in the Christian faith community. 

On one end of the spectrum are people who are strongly opposed to Halloween, while those on the other end of the spectrum raise no objections whatsoever. 

The majority of Christ-followers likely live somewhere in the vast in-between on this issue.

In churches across the country, practices also reflect conflicting styles and methods. Some simply change the name of their festivities by replacing the word “Halloween” with “Harvest.” Other churches use Halloween as a means for outreach to the community by opening their doors and providing a safe place for children to trick-or-treat. Still others take opportunity to adapt the Halloween “haunted house” theme to “scare the hell” out of community members through their evangelistic efforts. In light of all these differing styles and methods, what's a Christian parent to do? 

There is no doubt that Halloween's origins can be traced to pagan beliefs and rituals. Satanic groups have also attached meaning to Halloween, celebrating it as a special holiday. A quick Google search on the origins and meanings of Halloween will provide plenty of background information. One thing seems clear: Christians should not participate in the "dark side" of Halloween - to in any way approve of the satanic or the focus on paganism, evil, death, etc. 

Yet, the reality of Halloween participation for most people, religious and irreligious alike is that of exercising a bit of fantasy, dressing up in costumes, and having fun "trick or treating" around the neighborhood.  To many, this is all Halloween is about, without any connection to occult or pagan practices. To these people, it is difficult to say that there is anything wrong with what they do. To say that anyone who participates in Halloween is a pagan or Satanist would be like saying anyone who gives gifts at Christmas is a Christ-follower. 

God has given us the great gift of freedom in our choices. So in the end, whatever conviction you hold about your family’s participation in Halloween, live it out for God's glory! In these matters, follow your own convictions, while understanding that Christians may differ in their beliefs about this issue. And if you should run into those fellow believers who differ from your stance on Halloween, give them freedom to live out their own convictions (see Romans 14:4).

Staying Connected

One of the things I hear most often from parents is that they feel like their teenagers don’t like them anymore.  They don’t feel needed, listened to, or respected. 

 

Many parents feel marginalized and disconnected during their child’s teenage years. 

 

My first word of advice is to remind parents that they are not alone.  Most if not all parents go through this type of phase with their child.  It’s probably something you don’t want to hear but it’s a very natural thing for your son or daughter to pull away from you at this phase of their life.

 

They are seeking independence and that is part of God’s plan for helping them become fully functioning adults.  In order to live on their own, they must separate from you.  But while they try to disconnect from you I want to remind you of a few things to help you stay connected with them without pushing them away in the process.

 

1.     Remember they do love you.

Just because a teenager doesn’t say, “I love you” as much as they used to doesn’t mean he or she don’t love his or her parents anymore. They just don’t want to say it at school, in front of their peers, or when you drop them off in front of a friend’s home.

2.     Keep the end in mind.

 

Don’t focus on the disconnection, instead keep in mind that one-day, it’s likely you will have a loving friendship with them. Until then, Mom and Dad, resist the temptation to be one of their peers. Yes, peers are a primary influence right now—and you may want to be a part of your teen’s “inner-circle.” You definitely need to know who these friends are. But you can’t be one of them no matter how much you try.

3.     Being a Parent is a Calling

 

Don’t forget that your job as a parent is a calling – so treat your kids as gifts from God.

This will help you through the lonely days when it seems like your teenager really doesn’t care about you anymore. He or she will eventually get over it. Remember what it was like to be teenager. Keep this in mind and give your child a healthy amount of space when appropriate.

4.     Do the little things

 

In order to stay connected do the little things —even when these seem like they don’t matter to your teenager. Don’t underestimate the positive message you are sending your kids by watching all those sports games, or the hundreds of other ways you are present in their lives. Kids who grow up believing and knowing that their parents will always be there for them can face anything.

 

5.     Rely  on other adults

 

Find other adults who your son or daughter connect with (remember they are trying to gain their independence) and rely on them to help steer your child in the right direction.  You’ve likely head the adage “It takes a village to raise a child” – and it’s true.  You will need other voices that your son or daughter will hear to be your voice in their lives.

 

This is why we believe in relational ministry.  We think the church is a great way to help your son or daughter form healthy relationships with adults who care about them and who will point them in the right direction.

 

 

This phase of life can be a challenging one.  There is nothing a parent wants more than to connect with their child.  If you start learning to connect in these ways, we think you will truly be able to connect with your child for the long haul. 

What Was My Kid Thinking?

By Jim Burns

If you’ve never said it out loud, I’m sure you’ve at least thought it: “What was my kid thinking?”  It’s a common question for many parents who live with adolescents in their homes. Typically, the question comes in response to some puzzling or irresponsible action on the part of the teenager. You can partially blame this on the teen brain. Honestly. Blame the brain. If your teenager has at times made really poor choices, it is partly because the brain won’t fully develop until your son or daughter hits their mid-twenties.

On the outside, teens appear to be nearly grown up. But a vital part of the teen brain that plays critical roles in assessing risks, understanding consequences, and decision-making functions more like a child than an adult. The prefrontal cortex is partly responsible for self-control, judgment, emotional regulation, organization, and event planning. But just like everything else about teenagers, their brains are works in progress.

Your teen’s brain is in the process of rewiring itself. It’s busy weeding out unneeded connections so that it can operate efficiently and maturely. Further, while the parts of the brain responsible for sensation seeking are getting turned on in big ways, the prefrontal cortex lags behind in maturity.  Talk about bad timing! This means that the teen brain appears to be wired for risk-taking!  Knowing what’s going on in the teen brain can lead some parents to shelter their kids and pull back from allowing their kids to make decisions, fearing the potentially life-altering consequences of making poor decisions. Believe me, I understand the impulse, as teen brain science isn’t particularly comforting to parents.

But here’s a part of the brain science that helps me move beyond the fear: Kids must have opportunities to exercise their brains and make decisions so that the parts of the prefrontal cortex that regulate judgment, self-control, and assess risk and consequences can mature to adulthood!

So I vote for helping your teen’s brain to mature now by allowing him or her to make age-appropriate decisions while you can still provide encouragement, coaching, and a measure of safety. Your teen is going to make some poor choices along the way, and you may still wonder, “What was my kid thinking?” But at least now you’ll have some clues.

The "Not My Kid" Syndrome

By Jim Liebelt

It seems that whether the issue is drugs, alcohol, bullying, risky driving, media consumption, or sex, studies show that parents consistently underestimate their own kids interest or participation in these behaviors. What drives the NMK Syndrome ("Not My Kid") held by so many parents? There are several primary factors at play:

1) Some parents have a hard time moving past viewing their kids as innocent children.

Parents invest years in protecting their kids, controlling and monitoring activities, and trying to instill values.They want to believe that they've done a good job at parenting - and many have! They have a hard time coming to terms with their kids leaving childhood behind and starting to experience new levels of adult-like engagement with the world.

2) Kids mature differently.

Because there is no normal when it comes to adolescent development; no fixed template that all kids follow on the pathway to adulthood, parents aren't always aware of when adolescent changes are taking place. The development process, unique to each adolescent, can make it easier for parents to believe that their kid isn't "there yet" when it comes to typical adolescent interests and behaviors.

3) Not all kids engage in at-risk behaviors.

The simple fact is that not every teen has sex, drinks alcohol, takes drugs, views porn, drives like a maniac, and texts 100 times a day. These facts make it easy for parents to make a simple assumption that their kids are in the "NMK" category, whether they are or not. But in reality, while not all kids engage in at-risk behaviors, all kids think about them and are susceptible to temptations and peer pressure.

4) Parents are uncomfortable talking about tough issues.

Most parent don't relish discussions with their teenagers on tough issues like dealing with peer pressure, sexuality, or drugs and alcohol. The hesitance to talk about these topics make it easier for parents to rationalize that their kids aren't ready or interested in these issues.

Rather than being a "NMK" parent, the wise course of action is to prepare kids for the process of adolescence and the pressures, challenges, and temptations that accompany it. Talking to kids about these issues in an atmosphere of acceptance and openness will help kids face challenges when they arise. But parents who live this season of life with a "Not My Kid" attitude actually put their kids at greater risk of being hurt along the way.